(To my pie in the face girl, wherever you are)

I take you to a burlesque show. One moment were enjoying watching the buxom, tattooed girl gyrate and boom-boom across the stage in barely enough satin and feather to leave the imagine with something to work with; the next, Ive grabbed your hand and Im leading you at a quick pace up to the stage.

We take the stairs to the stage, and everyones applauding. The dark-haired woman with the suicide-girls-ready tattoos is smiling, and making a big deal out of us.

She presents us to the audience, Ladies and Germans, the beautiful birthday girl and her handsome beau!.

I lean in and whisper, I know its not your birthday, but what the hell, go with it. Whats the worse that can happen?

You reply, You know what they do to people on their birthday, dont you?

I say, Ive heard about that. Not sure I believe it, but Its be awesome if it happens! Just be ready for anything!

You respond, Oh, Im ready. Im very ready.

The buxom emcee, all smiles, tits, hips and barely-tassled nipples, claps and says, The gift! A thin girl in a pirates costume hands her a big, wrapped box with a bow tied on top.

Oh, you think?, I whisper.

Were here. We cant leave now., you say.

Buxom girl hands tells me to hold the sides of the box, and asks the audience, Should we give the birthday girl her birthday gift?.

Everyone cheers. You and I look each other in the eyes. We both know whats coming. I grin, widely.

O-KAY!, says the emcee. On three, everyone! One!

Two!

Before the audience, or anyone, can say three, shes taken out a large whipped-cream pie and smashes it straight into your face. The deep, heavy splat! is loud, and pie flies all over the place especially around your neck, over your shoulders, and over the top of your hair. She smashes it in slow circles to make sure the big pie adheres to your face.

THREE! she shouts.

The pie, thick and very sticky, sticks to your face in its near-entirety. Its very heavy, feels soft, but is thick and very sticky. It isnt moving very much. At least its whipped cream and vanilla buttercream.

Keeping the show going, she says, Now, the birthday girl becomes a part of the show, folks!. She leans in and whispers, Start taking it off, sister!.

What? Really?, you ask.

I help by undoing your belt, and unzipping your jeans. You feel other hands unbuttoning your shirt, and you start to help them get your shirt off.

Ever been naked in front of an audience? Because nows your big chance!, she said.

I answer for you, Oh, shes going to be.

Before you can react, I reach back and unhook your bra, and we manage to get it off of you. Your thong has stayed on, for the moment.

Now, topless and 98% naked, and with the audience clapping and whooping, theres no going back now.

The emcee says, Ok gorgeous, have a seat. She points to a wooden chair, located center stage. Youre just about to sit on it when someone slides in a sheetcake, covered in heavy whipped-cream frosting. I exclaim, Oh hell.. just before you settle your butt right into it. You smash into it with your ass, sending cream frosting and cake oozing out the side and between your legs.

I lean over and whisper, I should have stripped off your thong, had I known!.

The emcee leads the audience in laughter. Im laughing, but Im also really enjoying this. She comes back to center stage with another pie in her hand.

Lozenges and gentlemen, its not over yet! What were going to do with Mizzz Birthday Suit.. and she puts her hand on top of your head to indicate to the audience who shes talking about.

It was, alas, the hand with the pie. It lands on top of your head with a forceful Pop!, and smears whipped cream and chocolate all over your hair. Oozing slowly down your ears, behind your head, and over your forehead and down to land on your naked breasts, it mostly sits right on top of your head, a pie-hat.

Your face, coated in white whipped cream, is no longer the most pied part of you.

OOPS!, the emcee says, Wrong hand.

Everyone is laughing while youre pied. You and I exchange a glance, and I look you in the eye. Leaning in, I whisper, I hope youre getting as wet as I am getting hard.. You nod.

I add, There have to be more pies coming. This is a really well-staged burlesque naughty-slapstick youre in the middle of, love.

You say, Im playing the part of the birthday girl, so Id like to see it through. Tell them to go on

I say, ..and on and on...

The emcee comes back with two pies. One in each hand.

She stands behind you and yells over your head, to the audience and to you, So, birthday girl in your birthday suit! You look hungry. Would you like A SANDWICH?

Very quickly, you yell, YES, PLEASE.

The emcee feigns shock, and then shrugs, and then slams both pies into the sides of your face, smashing them forward to your nose and back to your ears. Up and back, up and back, smearing whipped cream, vanilla, and caramel from the sides of your head (face, hair, ears, everything) to your nose. Your world has now gone to whipped cream and goo and oozing pie to your bare shoulders, the insides and outsides of your tits, and all over your thighs.

Your hair is wrecked with cream, chocolate, caramel and crust. Your face is under a thick, heavy layer or pie and crust, and your body is splattered. The audience, for their part, is whooping it up and applauding.

Im grinning like a fool. I stand in front of you, my back to the audience and my face to you. Youve opened your eyes, and through the pie you and I have locked eyes. Were both loving this! I lean in, almost nose to nose, and say, Im going to tell them to pie the girls next, indicating your naked breasts with my fingertips over your nipples and over the tops and then under your breasts. I slide my right hand under your thong and find your dripping, slippery clit. My fingers start to tease you, sliding up and back at just the right spot. The audience cant see, but the emcee can. Shes grinning. You and I are still locked eye-to-eye, and I say, Two big gooey pies, a sticky pie bra. And theres no escape.

You say, probably through a few gasps, No escape. None. You need to do what you need to do. What can I do about it? I cant escape at all

I stop tormenting you for the moment, and I say to the emcee, I think she needs to be a bit more covered up. Shes so exposed!

The emcee shoots me a look, and leering a little, hands me two pies. I turn back to you. The audience is yelling, cheering. You and I are staring into each others eyes again, and I walk up, slowly, with the pies. You arch your back a little.

I say, You gorgeous, sexy, naughty little pie slut. I want to give you my birthday gift.

You say, In front of all of these people? Are you sure you can rise to the occasion?

Oh, Ive already risen to this occasion, you whipped-cream headlights-on, irresistible sex-freak. I mean these. Pies. Bug ones. All for you. By the time Ive given you these gifts, your nipples will look like confections in an x-rated bakery.

You say, Well, I cant say no to that.

I smash the pies all over your bare chest. All over.. over the tops of them, underneath them, and using my hands through the crust I rub cream all over your nipples. I dont stop until Im sure theyre coated well.. pulling them, pinching them, and sliding my pie-slick-and-sticky hands all over your front from shoulders to belly-button.

I lean in, You deserved that!

You ask, What else do I deserve?

I say, You fucking wait here. Dont move. As if you could.

As if I could., you agree.

I go and get two more pies. I yell to the audience, Shall I?

They answer with a resounding YES!.

I turn, and all the while looking at you, I toss the pie straight into your face. Pied!, I say to you. The pie once again sticks, its heavy and sticky depth adhering to your face like a funny, slapstick, erotic and whipped-cream-white-chocolate-and-caramel embrace. Your face is enveloped, but the crust starts to slide and land on your now-white breasts.

Im on a roll. Youve had a pie in the face, a pie on your head, been pie-sandwiched, and given a pie-bra. And youve been made to sit in a cake. Now, with one last pie in my hand, Im looking at you with some delightfully evil intent.

I say, Open your eyes. You do, but only one is clear of the sticky huge pie. Grinning, and enjoying looking you right in your beautiful, once-made-up but now creamed eyes, say You are so fucked.

Before you can respond with some deliciously erotic comeback, I slam the pie into your face and rub it around and around and around, smashing it all over you from chin to hair (which is now totally creamed, chocolated, and pied). With my left hand I grab your thong and pull it down to your knees.

While Im smashing the pie all over your beautiful made-up face, my left fingers find your clit and start again. Youre dripping wet.. so slippery and incredibly good to my touch. I dont relent, and I get into the right rhythm and the right spots, sliding all over you (labia, clit, everywhere), making you insane. Pie in the face, fingered in front of a burlesque audience, your thongs pulled to your knees and naked and covered in pie.

The emcee, unable to control herself, gets behind you and starts sliding her hands all over your breasts. While Im making sure the heavy pie is smashed in your face (and ears and chin and neck and hair), and my left hand is going to make you explode in a massive orgasm any second now, her strong hands are teasing your nipples and sliding, twisting, pinching, and pulling

I say, I am not going to stop

And finally, you lose it. Big time. Covered (and I mean covered!) in pies from the top of your head to the tops of your feet, barely able to hear, only one eye clear of any pie, and heavy with an immense amount of whipped cream and pie filling, everything stops and I whisper in your ear, Thats the first one of this evening., before I get my lips and tongue into yours, and taste you and a lot of sweet dessert in an insanely passionate clock-stopping kiss.