Sending love and prayers yours and Jillys way. I pray that she regains strength soon and that she progresses each day.

Really sorry to read this, you are both in my thoughts, may the fates be kind to you both.
And thank you for sharing this with us here, that can't have been easy.
****offers hugs****

It bugs me how much damage well intention people do. I have seen first hand through my girlfriend what anxiety does and how crippling it can be. How it can throw a person into a panic attack for no reason. The need to leave a place or not leave the house because of what it does to you. If you have anxiety and have trouble with the medication, try marijuana it can do wonders.

I am glad that you are back in her life for this time. It will give you a chance to make peace with things between you so that you won't live with regrets. Don't forget to take care of you. You have health issues too if I remember right and recently had surgery that put you out of commission for a bit. Don't over do things.

everyone has been so insanely kind. soundguy messaged me an email and i cried and cried. yall, hes a great dude. if you wanna start a store? you should start one there too....he will take care of ya just like here at the umd. not only that? he cares. just a really great guy.

and all of you. thank you. i wouldnt have started this without jilly. she asked me if i wanted extra christmas money and i said "sure yeah" she had just had her son that september and she said "okay we are gonna throw some pies at eachother" ummmm...okay. thats it? fuck yes! throw pies at my little brat sister? shit yes. before we did that she had me shoot in some pumpkin pie mix, cool whip and then poured freezing cold milk on me at the end for a halloween shoot. these are all at wambabes.com. this was before the house of mess started. jilly started getting crazy amoutns of custom requests for me so she said i should open a store. im computer illiterate so i just said "okay have fun" and let her do it. i just got in front of the camera. learned how to use the umd over time and thanked people and then finally learned to do it myself. took me a couple months. she had to teach me how to use the umd immediately bc she already had her own profile. it was so strange at first bc i did not have the fetish like i do now....at alll......then, over time, shooting, finding what i liked, becoming more comfortable with my sexuality, talking with jilly about what she did sexually with wam (bc we are sisters, we talk about that shit) i tried things.....and i loved them. working with wambabes was a big deal too getting to love it. loving the rush, the craziness, being myself, not being told to be anything else.

jilly and i both got to where we wanted to make stuff never seen before but jilly was the brains. she made some of the coolest shit. (the mystery substance was MY BABY but, jilly helped mix it haha
same with editing and graphics. she had an editor all in german and taught herself german.....wtf. some of her trailers? omfg. best stuff ive ever seen and they are like less than 30 seconds that took her a week to do. amazing.

my sister and i have a very open relationship and talk about anything. we never shared a "sexual" relationship....weird......with this kink. it was always fun and funny. we branched out and started getting more comfortable sharing our sexual sides. She is the reason i met ariel who has been a great friend of mine and a huge part of my life.

i just had a rousing convo with my stunt penis about my fucking loathing of the cdc. I was a 22 year old addict who came into a methadone clinic and all i had to do was piss dirty and leave there more fucked up then when i came in.....and did it for years. got pancreatitus FROM IT at 23 , fell asleep at the wheel, cruise set on 90 and almost died. lost a child in utero. fucking crazy. when i finally got CLEAN clean......it was a struggle for years to break addictive habits. still have them. caffeine, a good pair of pajama pants.....lol. but for real, jilly has been on this suboxone program for years now and prescribed meds on top of it and drinking too. she is tiny. Jilly needed to be put in house somewhere and kept there. for many many reasons. its cheaper, though, to be put on suboxone, still do what you love to do and feel okay and make some money. it did not last long though. she started looking for ways to get more benefit and in doing so, she also got used to the meds and still had anxiety. jilly is also insanely smart. too smart for her own good. problem with that is that people who are insanely smart are never wrong. god love her. no doctor or nurse can tell her something she doesnt already "know" or doesnt know how to "treat better"

this creates huge problems and HAS created where we are today, i believe. i love my sister adn i have told her all of this. i am the one that gives her truth bombs. so sometimes, i tell her i understand shes tired for a few days and doesnt wanna talk....or ill tell her if she wants me to lay off the truth bombs for a day and just listen to tell me so....and i will.. i can usually tell by her voice what she needs that day.

she is buying everyone christmas gifts and i was like "you dumb piece of shit, what the fuck are you doign??!!! just keep breathing bro, im good, !!!!" this is how we talk to eachother....normally.

but it is sad. jilly was born with mental issues and now this. Addiction recovery is about complete submission. her mental issues make that damn near impossible....so now, here we are. this far gone.

i feel guilt but i have to remind myself that there is literally nothing i could have done without dragging my son into it, and ruining what he knows of his aunt. I refused to let that happen. he will remember her as she was. I did that for HER and for him.

thank you all. truly. thank you.

I am so sorry to hear this! positive vibes and prayers for you and jilly and entire family. I really hope things get better for her. she has been totally awesome in this community. I have had a few chats with her throughout the years.

You have to be careful being an addict it is rough especially after getting clean. I know that not everyone is the same way I am and what works for some people won't work for everyone. For me I just decide to do something and I do it.

It would be awesome to see Jilly at a point where you two can do another set. You guys have some great chemistry together. But also party it up in the hospital!!!! You gotta sneak her in some taco bell yo.

I'm fairly good friends with Jayce and Jilly. I've known thenthem personally very long time. I have nothing but admiration and respect for both of them and am grateful that they have given me the opportunity to work with them bothin the past allowing me to hone my skills as a professional videographer/photographer, which was always not only a learning experience but a completely blast to work with them both. It was a non stop good time, cutting up and having a good time joking about anything and everything that came about. I had the fortune of seeing Jilily today considering live relatively closeto where she has been staying. I didn't ask a lot of invasive questions with intentions of keeping the
Four visit light but I would like to say she looked a whole lot better today than she had when I last saw her a month orso ago. I understand she still remains in a fairly serious condition and I wish her well and hope nothing but the best for her. I love jayce and jolly both dearly as they have been long term friends of mine since as long as I can remember. I'm not certain how these procedures work and I am stoked that her father is the caliber of man who would offer part of his body to save hers, but if for whatever reason that no longer can be an option, and I've already made it clear to hear personally, if I am able I have offered to do the same if capable. The only reason I'm making this statement on this public forum is solely because I know it's full of people that care about her and thought it may be a small concellation that she may have more than one option shall the situation arise. It's often difficult to contact her where she is staying, so jayce I hope you can keep me posted if there is anything that you may feel i should know that she may be hesitant to tell me or can't reach me for whatever reason. I know you know how to reach me much quicker. Love you both. Biz.

we love you so much, biz. you were and have been such a huge part of both our lives....here and outside of wamming. Im so grateful you have been on this journey with us and i cant be grateful enough that someone else is willing if they are able to help her. I cannot, unfortunately, give her a piece of mine. Which makes me wanna just curl up bc i cant help her. Its hard for me to see her right now bc of just being in this pit of dispair that i really need to get the fuck over. its hard to see her like this....to continue to act normal, do my job (teaching, well basically i give lessons for free lol, and this job and my son who is going through so much more stuff.....) its hard enough being this far away from her and this sounds awful but sometimes it helps me so i can stay focused on my little guy. i find myself getting lost in thought and fear for her and losing myself trying to imagine what shes going through and wishing i could take it away for her.....wishing i could just fix it.

we are so grateful for you adn i speak for jilly too bc i know she is. i just hope and hope that her life will continue and she can be restored. It doesnt fucking look good, man. Im just glad you were there with her today.

happy early bday, love. i miss ya.

just so you all know, biz has been the camera man on some of our most awesomely awesome creations and giant productions of hers and mine he was my roomate for a year or more and we had some really great times and did some really cool shit.

i still want that fucking donkey kong table you asshole. gimme.

love you man.

Jayce, what can we do for Jilly? I'm personally not content to leave it at thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.

Is it a matter of finding a liver, getting her on a transplant list, is it a matter of money? Is there a "GoFundMe" for her? What are the criteria for liver donation? I know it's probably a better match with less chance of rejection if it comes from a family member, but there's obviously more too it because liver transplants are more common and successful than other transplants since the liver regrows.

What hospital is doing the care and possible surgery?

A lot of this is really personal, and I know this isn't stuff that would normally be shared. But if you're now sharing this publicly here and now, it's really bad.

Even if it's only a few of us, let us try to help more if we can.

Potatoman a LOT goes into a transplant. The most important thing is to keep taking the anti-rejection meds. No matter what happens no matter how much plasma you have to sell or how much you have to pawn, beg or steal take the meds. I know a situation where a person decided not to take the anti rejection meds. They are on dialysis twice a week in search for a new liver because after 5 years her body is rejecting the liver. Also with the meds they give you during recovery it is easy for an addict to relapse. It is excruciatingly painful without the meds. Jilly has to listen to the Dr.'s and do everything they say down to the letter no matter what.

I'm late to seeing this, but I'd like to add my best wishes as well. I hope your sister's situation improves as soon as possible, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this at all, let alone the holidays. It's great that after so much time of no contact you are able to reconnect in a time of crisis. I really hope she gets the transplant and gets better.

Addiction is truly an insidious disease. I've briefly got hooked on prescribed benzodiazepines and it was truly awful, requiring detox and rehab, despite only 4 months of use. 8 years later, now I'm watching my dad die of his alcoholism... he was in the ICU a few weeks ago, and he is on death's door. Even after I visited him in the hospital and begged him to get into a structured plan to stay sober, he relapsed within days. It has changed his body and mind irreversibly. It frightens me, yet I still wind up drinking too much myself sometimes. It's a challenge though, so I try to take as many months as possible between drinks.

Anyhow, I'm glad you are able to reconnect with her in her time of need. You truly love and care for her, and I think you're handling this completely responsibly. Take care of yourself and your family, and I wish you all the best!

Just tossed you a text. I'm sorry man.

I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and your sister.

thank you for sharing your story! addiction is scary. and hard. i dealt with it RAGING for years. I am clean now but i still have my "addictions" like caffeine and smoking at times. I also have mental addictions. im on medications for kidneys and stuff and with addictions comes rituals. I have these crazy rituals for taking meds bc im so scared of them now. like if a pill isnt cut INSANELY correctly in half? i wont take it. its a ritual thing that even 11 years later, i still do. eating in the night? something i did when i was on methadone HEAVILY bc i was basically in a permanent state of fucked up for years.....beign prescribed it. I still catch myself doing it.

Jilly got caught up. Jilly had some bad habits to begin with that hurt her body and then this just added fuel to the fire.

the latest update was she was in a critical condition, stable, but critical ( i dont understand that) and my dad took her to this hospital a few hours away a few days before she was supposed to go bc she was getting worse.

she is sleeping a lot, normal but from what i understand she does not have the means to get alcohol. right now? if she did drink she might as well count down her days. it is literal poison. same with nsaids. she cant take them or its like she might as well drink rat poison.

I tried to keep this hidden from my mother who has her son, but alas, my family fucking told her even though i asked them not to before christmas for my mothers mental well being.....being that she is raising her son and has been for a while. well, now christmas just got a lot more heavy. Ive known for months and tried to keep it hidden from her, for her own sake but she told me today its time for me to stop trying to take care of everyone else, including her,, and take care of myself.

which was really powerful comign from my mother who dealt with ME being a raging addict for so long and lost her shit for a while....who is now a kick ass grandmother and mom. her and my sister have not seen or spoken in a very long time to keep her son away from this. it is subject to change soon. that is what is so very hard right now. her attempting to figure out what is best for jillys son.

thank you all for your kind words and listening to me....i just had a friend over i was trying to talk to and crying and he was fuckign snoring asleep and then just got up and left so, the fact that some of you, whom have never met me, give a shit? you have no idea what it means to me.

thank you. please keep my family and her in your thoughts and prayers as you have and lets all have a merry christmas!

as far as money goes, i will be doing something soon to be able to send more to her and my father who doesnt work and has been taking care of her thus far. thank you

Sending love to you, Jilly and all your family Jayce. x

jayce im crying as I read this im so sorry girl I will be praying and sending you lots of good vibes if there is anything else I can do to help please let me know

i appreciate each and every one of you

it is very hard to put this in the back of my head and continue daily, as jilly, is in a state of "this can be fixed"

while i appreciate and admire her frame of mind, i also am very logical about things and in turn, it makes it hard. I cant imagine what she goes through mentally .i try to cut up with her everyday and just make what i can with what i have.

it is also very hard bc my life is far from her....and i have a son with special needs and i have a lot of responsibilites outside of just running my stores. I have a teaching job that keeps me insanely busy that pays like NOTHING, i just enjoy doing it but it keeps me really busy add on there just life in general....and me being a total pussy about seeing her? its rough. but she knows im here and that is what matters. thank you all for everything

if anything changes i will certainly let you all know i appreciate the love. i know she does too.

That's the way it is with a lot if not most mental illness. People that are aware of it, do their best to hide it; especially if they have to have a public persona.

It's hard to know what we can do from a macro perspective. But from a micro perspective we be as kind and supportive to each other as we can. We do our best to empathize and be compassionate to those we engage with.

Talk about hiding stuff, the guy that plays Oliver Queen on Arrow actually has panic attacks and severe depression. It's hard to see past the public persona and get to the real person inside.

Jayce,

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and send my best wishes. I've been a lurker here for a long time and recently have been connecting with people here because we all share a similar interest. I too have struggled with mental health and generalized anxiety disorder for many years now. However I have gotten much better as of a few years ago. Its pretty cool that we can come together and relate on a personal level about our similarities. I appreciate you opening up about your personal life here. Theirs a lot of us here supporting you even if we don't post about it. I've actually followed this thread since it started. I felt compelled to comment because I too can relate about mental health issues. Hope all is well as of recent!

CoasterLover