Hey folks- don't expect anyone to recognize me but i had an account for the better part of a decade; mostly lurked but popped in and out over the years so I feel kinship with many of you. I deleted last year in an ill-fated attempt to basically quit wam. However I've come to peace with the fact that quitting a kink altogether isn't really practical for me and as long as it doesn't distract from any other aspect of my life I think it's fine to consume virtually so I just created this to purchase through the store, not connect with the community.

But I do have one thing gnawing at me lately that I feel like I'd like to raise. I'm curious how many of you have been able to put the experiential side of wam behind you? I'm not necessarily speaking to those of you that have always preferred to be observers nor those who are observers simply because they haven't been able to find a willing partner. I'm happily married, mid-thirties, sex life is ok. We've engaged in this kink over the years and sometimes it has been pretty good but the truth of the matter is that I'm just too damn submissive to really come out and say what I want, except in the dirty talk of particularly charged moments(I feel like it mostly gets discounted as just talk). I kind of thought my partner would really get it by now- she doesn't, and it's not her fault. It's mine. But I just don't have it in me to bring it up anymore. It just feels silly at this point to try to re-introduce something that was introduced such a long time ago and I lose my nerve every time and it's just more exhausting than anything else. I just really want to move past my experiential desires.

I don't really enjoy any other kind of adult content so I do think it will be part of my personal and private virtual sexual routine but since I would never consider bringing in a third party or engaging in conduct to otherwise scratch that itch I'm just curious as to whether others have had success compartmentalizing this specific physical aspect of their sexual identity. I'm not really looking for advice on working through my own hang-ups. At this stage of my life I've had 20+ years to sort this out and I'm just not really where I thought i would be and I'm just looking to throw in the towel.

Bottom line question: do you folks think it is possible to feel sexually fulfilled while cutting out the possibility of a sexual experience you have always thought you needed and built a big portion of your sexual identity on, all while maintaining a healthy virtual interest?

Thanks for reading!

I think you have explained very well what it is like to have a fetish, whatever that fetish may be. I think with age things do get better and you do not need to experience the physical aspect of the fetish or at least there is a reduction in this urge. The novelty of cleaning up soon wears off! When I was in my twenties, I was having so much fun experiencing different aspects of different fetishes not including wam that I made the decision to stay single as I realised a partner would not understand. You also have the problem that if a partner does accept you, you can feel resentment towards them for showing interest as it can feel as if they are mocking you if you get what I mean..........you then feel they are only doing this to please you which can feel even more negative than if they were not interested at all, I hope I have put this across so you understand!! So basically a double edged sword of negativity, the willing partner is damned if they do and damned if they don't.

My wife does share in my varied fetishes but I am actually more happy that she is not over the top with the interest, at the back of my mind I know she has not got the fetish.

One thing is for sure a fetish does not go away, you are lumbered with it from the day you some how got it and sometimes it has more of an impact as someones sexuality. I am pretty happy that should my wife have not got involved with my fetish interests we would still be together and actually very happy, my kick would be from the internet and visual stimulation. I am now in my early 40's and I know this would be the case. This was a totally different story in my 20's though so I can only assume getting older has really help.

Lets be blunt, sex in most cases keeps a couple together so I would be staying together if our messy activities stopped and at the moment they are getting less with no negativity.

The really sad thing about any safe and sane fetish that someone has got, if the partner got even slightly involved the relationship has the ability to thrive. From what I have seen, this is the case of any group of couples, whatever their sexuality..........whats the phrase, couples who splosh together stay together.

I think a lot of people on here will fully understand how you feel and I do not think there is a straight forward answer but from what you have said, I am sure you will still be able to satisfy your fetish and still be in a very happy relationship.......without getting covered in custard!

I feel that the word Fetish should be translated to the word Frustration and I can imagine UMD is full of variously frustrated people to include me, but its getting better as time goes on.

Good luck

I mean, if you're that submissive that you can't tell her what you eloquently put here, I guess you could just leave this post up somewhere where she is likely to pass by and hopefully read it. The fact that you've done it more than once of the years is a good sign. She doesn't seem to be adverse to it.



I mean I was for the first few years of my marriage (massive guilt now that they came out years later saying they always hated sex, but I was happy and fulfilled then). Yes, I pined for getting messy with my wife, and they tried it (once lightly first, once all out) but they weren't into it. So, I was happy any time I initiated beyond cuddling or romance and wasn't pushed away. And the handful of times where they let me get them wet were extra wonderful to me so I let them know it.

But everyone is different. This is more hard wired in some people than it is others. I know for a fact there are some people here that can't get off without it. So, your answer will vary person to person.

I feel this for sure. If you had told me all those years ago that I would come to see having an accommodating partner as a potential downside I'd think you were nuts but it is there Ultimately I do not think it's fair for me to feel resentment at all because the issue lies with me and I do not want to harbor feelings that disrupt the balance of a healthy marriage. But yeah, I've grown more and more skeptical of my partner's participation over the years and that's kind of the exact opposite of the way I thought it would go. Just at a point now where I'm thinking about a good way forward for myself.

I think I'm more interested in messing with the wiring of my desires these days. Expression was my 20s lol.

It's more that it just has never really come together and now the whole thing (conversation, execution) feels like more than a chore than ever. Frankly, if it isn't implicit and understood by now I'm just not really interested in continuing to push the issue. So the internal conversation that I'm having with myself these days is whether I can find a good balance after reorienting my own expectations, while acknowledging that this kink just isn't going anywhere. Just curious if others had similar reflections as they got older.

I forget to say, when you feel resentment towards a partner who is and who isn't willing to participate.....you can then get angry/depressed with yourself for feeling this way towards your innocent partner. In the early days this self anger towards myself used to get to me more than the rejection from a partner. We ain't daft and we all know how unfair this is on a partner who does not actually have the fetish. It has the potential to build up real frustration, a frustration you know is wrong and is so unfair towards a partner..............the joys of having a fetish!!

My mental power was used more to control this anger/frustration than trying to convert a partner into a fetish they do not have.

As I have said before on here, there is so little support for something that can effect someones life as much as their sexuality with no public support. The word fetish, I am sure in the eyes of the general public has the potential for some real negative thoughts. I cannot see a future when someone can openly talk about their own fetish without been ridiculed, even by close friends and family. It would take balls of steel to go and seek professional help. I think the sad bit is, in the right situation and the right relationship it has the ability to bond a couple together...........they don't know what they are all missing!!!

The second really sad bit, we do not actually know who around us has a fetish and it may in fact be the person who gives the impression of "holier than thou"!

100% agree with this. I am no longer into trying to coax anything along. It's just really important to me that I'm able to do this without harboring resentment.


I have never been able to accurately convey to any of my partners how consuming a fetish can be and how tethered it feels to my identity in a very deep and long-term way. Like, you can explain the mechanics and lay it all out, but people just don't share that and i have a very difficult time proceeding unless I know someone is equally enthused. So I have just spent a lot of time in recently trying to figure out the best way forward balancing my own personal needs with without holding anyone else accountable for my lack of happiness or fulfillment. At the very least it looks like you have been able to drive it forward and have the experiences you have wanted to and I think that's very cool, my friend.

Agree 1000%. For my husband and me it was about finding a way for me to express my fetish in a way we're both comfortable with. With the help of an amazing and affirming therapist, I'm better able to advocate for what I need while taking him into account in a meaningful way.

While WAM isn't central to our sex life, the intimacy created around being honest, open and vulnerable with one another is.

Good luck!!