Hey folks!
The final scene from SS135 starring Lyndsay is now up in the RAW DL Store!
RAWHD.SlapstickStuff.com

I'm not exaggerating when I say Lyndsay would make a GREAT female action hero in a big Hollywood movie. Unfortunately... This ain't it. Kandy Kane's latest cinematic endeavor, "No Pain No Kane," turns out to be the kind of summer film that hits all four quadrants: Pies, slime, water, and chocolate. (Also, booty shorts.)

Suffice to say our girl looks fantastic and gets suitably COVERED with mess during this endeavor. And yes, those are super closeups of her rock-hard abs and booty (slime-covered of course) at the end! Grab three different angles now... and just a heads up that all "Complete" orders will get the entire HD edit for FREE. (And it's a good one too!)

Pics below... Enjoy!

Did I mention she also gets completely tied up and has to run around like a goofball? Yeah, that too.

AND... I basically stopped posting the scripts on my website a few years back, but I'm pretty pleased at the way this one turned out. It's a fairly "meta" commentary on both Hollywood and my tendency (along with other producers) to do the same type of scenes in slightly different fashion.

Anyway. If you like it, here it is... If not, feel free to skip past it all.

KANDY KANE VS. THE FOURTH WALL

[KANDY KANE wears a very small bikini. She strikes “action” poses and fires two guns at the same time John Woo-style. Action movie music plays… until she sighs and drops her guns. Music “scratches” to a halt.]

KANDY: That’s it. I can’t keep faking it anymore.
PRODUCER [OC]: Hang on. What??
KK: This whole thing… What’s the point?
P: The point is, we’re shooting your latest movie. “Kandy Kane: No Pain No Kane.” Your entire JOB is to fake it.
KK: Oh, I mean, I know how to do it. Like that. [suddenly strikes a gun pose as the SFX of something blowing up is heard] Or… THAT! [another pose, same result] But the problem is, I never get to do it!
P: Okay, now I’m REALLY confused. [walks on set] You’re an executive producer. You’re the star of this whole thing. Why not do the things you want?
KK: Well, my boyfriend actually financed this thing. And chose the director. And wrote the script.
P: Aha.
KK: Yep. And he has certain specific… scenarios he needs to see.
P: Hmmm…. So what you’re saying is, even a brand-new scene invariably feels like a rehash of a previous scene… with the same old tired gimmicks. [looks at camera]
KK: Yeah, exactly! Like, for instance, I want to get in a gun battle. I want to do all the cool John Woo and Jason Statham stuff! [As she talks, PRODUCER nods in agreement… while taking her guns and deliberately tying her up.]
KK: But every single time, I wind up losing my guns because I have to be the damsel in distress… All tied up, and helpless, and running around the set like an idiot. You know what I mean?
P: I do. I do indeed. OK, careful with the hair. [He gags her as KK talks.]
KK: As an actress, it’s just frustrating. That’s all. [sounds like “Mmmph mmph”]
P: Hey, you never know when things will change. In the meantime, this next scene has you running around the set like an idiot. Ready to try one?
KK: Mmph mmph!! [PRODUCER exits and KK runs around like an idiot. This goes on for a bit until P returns and grabs KK excitedly.]
P: Hey! Good news! I talked it over with your boyfriend and convinced him that we need to try some new stuff!
KK: Really? That’s great! [KK’s lines are subtitled since they all sound like “Mmmph.”]
P: Yep. I mentioned your concerns, and he agreed.
KK: Wow, thank you so much!
P: Hey, don’t mention it. So… You have any particular roles in mind?
KK: [talks for a while about the different roles she wants to play as subtitle finally shows, “Not really.”]
P: Well, you know what? Let’s start by getting you back into action mode. [KK unties herself and shakes it out.]
KK: Oh yeah, much better. So do I get my gun back?
P: Not only do you get your gun back… [KK catches one gun.] But you get two! [KK catches a second.]
KK: Excellent! This is what I needed the entire time! [She poses more, possibly with her back to the camera and guns on either side, then looking over her shoulder?]
P: Well that’s great, because having two guns is actually pretty important to the scene.
KK: Oh yeah? Why do I need two guns? [She gets hit with a thrown pie.]
P: Because it’s better when you get attacked!
KK: C’mon, really?? I’m STILL getting attacked by the Cream Pie Maniac?? [another pie]
P: Actually, he now calls himself “The Slapstick Soldier.” [another pie]
KK: Great. Thanks Marvel!
P: Oh, don’t thank Marvel. This was all your boyfriend’s idea!
KK: But I thought he was gonna come up with something brand new! [another pie] And hitting me with pies is NOT a new concept.
P: Ah, but this is Hollywood. We don’t do new concepts. We just take the same old concepts and do them again with a bigger budget! [another pie] And you’ll be happy to know… The pie budget has gone up.
KK: How far up?
P: Oh… Way up. [another pie]
KK: Okay, this is just as ridiculous as before. I can’t see who I’m fighting… I can’t see ANYTHING… And honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. [gets slimed]
P: Look, all you need to know is that 12-year-old boys are gonna come out in mass. En masse!!
KK: En masse?? [gets pied]
P: And possibly in mess. But I digress. This is gonna be a big movie! Big! We’ve even got all four quadrants!
KK: Four quadrants??
P: Sure! Water… [KK gets seltzered.] Pies of course. [KK gets a thrown pie.] Slime… Obviously. [KK gets slime tossed on her.] And… Chocolate!
KK: Chocolate? How do you work chocolate into an action movie?
P: Simple. The Slapstick Soldier hid his dirty bomb inside this bowl of chocolate. See it?
KK: Nope… Don’t see it. [She peers into the bowl P is holding.]
P: Here. Look closer. [They jostle the bowl until it tips back onto KK’s head and face.]
KK: [fuming] Now that’s what I call a dirty bomb. [A canned laugh track is heard and she looks around, confused.]
KK: Hang on? Why is there a studio audience here?
P: Easy! This is the part of the film where Kandy tails the Slapstick Soldier onto the set of a variety show and gets caught in the middle of a crazy pie fight. You know, like in that Sylvester Stallone movie!
KK: WHAT Sylvester Stallone movie??
P: Um… It’s one of the obscure ones. Anyway, we’re rolling, and… Action!!
KK: Action?? But I don’t even have a script yet!!
P: Whoops, I got plenty right here. You want one?
KK: Yeah! Give it to me! [gets a thrown pie]
KK: [to camera] Why it is always me?...
[Mild anarchy ensues, with thrown slime and pies and KK firing at random, maybe turning to each side and getting nailed with stuff? Eventually PRODUCER pipes up.]

P: And cut! I think we’re done.
KK: For the day? Finally!
P: Actually, for the entire picture.
KK: What?!?
P: Yeah, we’re $100 million over budget and the foreign distributors pulled out. Turns out 12-year-old-boys actually prefer CGI robots shooting each other.
KK: Well duh.
P: And boobs. They really like boobs.
KK: But I have boobs!!
P: Unfortunately, we can’t see them anymore cuz we covered them in crap.
KK: So whose fault is that? Fix it!
P: Fine. This water should do the trick… [throws slime on her] Oops. Not water.
KK: [to camera] And this is why you don’t date a producer.

Fantastic pics of Kandy, Rich!

Rich, I love the script! Thanks for posting it!

As usual, Lyndsay looks fabulous! :lovestruck:

Also, as usual, the mess is fantastic!

So you went $100 million over on your pie budget. It was worth it! :devil:

Amazing slapstick stuff, SlapstickStuff!

Norman

Well, we hired Brett Ratner as director. He took $70 million and spent it on hookers and blow. And Channing Tatum was paid $30 mil to stand offscreen for 10 seconds.


I really love Lynz in this scene but I fear I'm in the minority... BUT... I dropped the prices back in the RAW HD Store so maybe that's it. $7.99 for individual angles, 35 minutes apiece! That's a LOT of slimy booty.

I remember the first time I tried to work with quadrants. They were just too difficult to deal with. Course I really suck at math.

As for Ratner....that yutz shouldn't have even been allowed on your set. I gave him a five million advance to direct "Running Scared (You Can't Escape The Slime) and he took it and spent it on hookers, blow and a boxed set of "Laverne and Shirley"

I'll never work with him again. Course I'll never work Richard Simmons again either.

Robby
WAMma Lamma Pie
www.wammalamapie.com

www.shepiestheguy.com