to all those friended to me, if you only friended me out of obligation please delete me, I am not a charity case. I am a worthless pathetic asshole who doesn't deserve your friendship.

Settle down, man. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I was alcoholic for a good 18 years. struggled a long time. Almost died many times too! I had to forgive myself and others. Nutritional therapy is extremely important too to get rid of physical cravings and repair the body. It was a slow process, patience and affording some basics to get started. Magnesium, omega 3s and zinc. after the first month how I thought and felt wow. no hangover. After a year more healing and more clarity. I'm coming up to 4 years this September. Last fall I had a relapse into whites actually but made it out ok. I managed it but it gets dangerous in taking over. I was jaded about my previous work, my aunt was dying of cancer so the pity and negativity I created got be into shit.
If you want to chat a bit let me know. But know that we create our own reality by thoughts and beliefs. I know you are stuck and it seems like youll never get out in a sad dark place but you can. I thought about giving up many times before. Carrying shame and guilt only creates more harm. Forgive and love yourself. How can anyone love you if you don't love yourself.
This sounds bullshit airy fairy but its true.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXrdVagSjjg&t=11s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCG1zj3mxOw&t=579s

these guys have great advice and it works. The truth is POSITIVE THINKING DOES NOT WORK! Things must be changed in new way of thinking. The same consciousness that created a problem will not solve a problem

7 weeks to sobriety is a great book for nutritional therapy. 97% success rate!
AA 12 step statistics are 5% make it sober the first year and after 5 years less than 1% make it. Compared to USA alcohol is rather expensive in Canada but we got greens now