No you are not invited to my house to drink wine and eat nibbles! Perhaps when I know you betterWhat I really want to know is how is it done! By this I mean how did you first broach the subject of getting messy with your partner? I am married to a wonderful woman but our sex life is on the rocks. She sort of know my slight leanings toward getting messy and the odd bit of cross-dressing, but it's not spoken about in the house. What is the best way to grease her up? Now there's a double-entendre I think we should all be using a bit more of. Do I simply dump my iPad on her lap with UMD.net and say suck it up woman or take the soft approach? I consider myself a gentleman, but t the same time a dreadful old pervert (!) so not sure which route to take. Any advice would be appreciated. Ideally, I would love to take pictures and post them up here for you to see, but I think you need a certain type of extroverted lady for that task, and she would most definitely not be it.

To be honest with you it is driving me insane and something is going to snap if I don't take action. Probably my libedo, but that is another matter.

Sorry for bombing the forums in here and trying to make new friends. I have been on here almost since the dawn oif the Internet and have finally woken up after 25 years that things do need to change and I don't know what to do! Help!

First, sorry to hear things aren't where you'd want them to be at the moment. Hopefully they can develop in a positive direction. I'm not sure I'd advocate dumping your iPad in her lap, but I do think there's a lot to be said for clear and honest communication. You mention that she sort of knows about your leanings already - is that because you've spoken about it in the past or has her awareness come about more indirectly? From my experience I'd say even if opening up to her doesn't lead to wamming together very often (or at all), its so much nicer and healthier not to feel you've got secrets or things you can't discuss with your partner. You say your sex life is 'on the rocks' - maybe start by asking if there's anything you can do for her to revive it? If she reciprocates the question, there's an opportunity to discuss what turns you on.

Can I be frank and say that while I think WAM can be great for your sex life in the long term, I don't think introducing the idea when your sex life is "on the rocks" is going to go down very well. If sex is already something the two of you are finding a lot of fun, you're both going to be pretty happy to keep an open mind if your other half wants to introduce something a bit different. If it's not going well already, though, I don't think saying "Actually, this would be a lot more fun for me if you let me cover you in slime" is going to go down very well.

Having said that, once you're already having good sex I'd go along with the usual advice on here about introducing WAM to a partner - take it slow, and make it about her, not the mess. I think we started with me literally just licking chocolate sauce off her fingers. Once she saw how much I enjoyed that she was happy to do a bit more, and so on. But your partner does need to know that you like her first and foremost, and the mess is a bit of extra fun.

Definitely agree that a lack of sex might be indicative of deeper issues around communication, intimacy, and desire. The key is communication!

I'd definitely advocate for having an honest and open conversation with your partner about the relationship and sex. Talk about how you feel and be as open as possible to her point of view.

Making demands of your partner if they're not naturally interested in sex or kink is unlikely to go well. Feel free to express your interest but it's ultimately your partners choice if she's interested.

The fact that you are asking here is part of the problem. I understand why, but every couple is different and the approach used will, of necessity, be different as well. What is the same is that all good relationships are built on trust and communication. If you don't feel as though you can be honest about your fetish with her, then you have a bigger problem that unrequited sploshing. If you know or have good reason to strongly suspect that she wouldn't be into it, you have to decide is your being with her sans WAM more valuable to you than leaving her to find a partner who will participate in the type of sexual activity you want. If you love each other, you want the other person to be happy. Only you can she can decide where your happiness and her happiness meet. Sometimes the compromise is 50-50, other times it's 90-10. First see if she agrees that your sex life is "on the rocks", then see if you both can agree why that is. After that you can begin to move forward toward WAM (well adjusted marriage). Good luck to you both.

If your woman is as wonderful as you say she is I think you are hyping yourself up more than you need to, give her some credit. I will assume that you guys have good communication to begin with. I am sure that she realizes that your sex life is not where either of you want it to be. The iPad and suck it up do it is a good way to get you some nights on the couch. Be straight forward and honest with her, it sounds like you have already started greasing her up because she knows you like to get messy and cross dress. Does she know why you like to do those things? What would make the conversation so taboo in your house? Sexual kinks are very natural and a normal part of any relationship especially in the situation you are in. You could start out simple. Ask her if you can wear one of her outfits while she messes you up with your favorite substance. You will put off all kinds of pheromones and hopefully nature will take its course. Maybe after a few times she will be more willing to try joining you. Don't rush things and take things at her pace. You might be surprised with the results.

I would love some wine and nibbles! Haha this perspective is coming from a wife who had to embarrassingly bring up the want to be pied to a husband who looked at her a little crazyyep it's me!
Honestly, it slipped out after more than some wine lol I blurted out-um, I think you should pie me in the face-with like a big creamy pie! It wasn't until several months later did we even try it and the first time was not fun, I was extremely overwhelmed and he was uncomfortable! But, tried again and now look at us! He still isn't a fan of wam, but a fan of his wife, so if I'm turned on-it's a win for him! lol
I recommend starting with a cool whip or something light and airy. Let her self pie to begin so she can stop and remove everything if she doesn't like it and try the face last, like I said, it can be overwhelming to the senses at times! Good luck!

I agree with Bratty on the overwhelming and self pie first thing. Also lots of great comments about reviving the sex life first before jumping into wam. I think an honest two way dialect is the best starting point. Try to get her to share if there is anything she would like to make it better? Who knows maybe she has a secret kink like my Princess did.

As far as opening about wam to your partner, I did it during some pillow talk. Totally sober and terrified. Our first two wam experiences didn't go as planned. My first pie was still frozen in the middle and ended with a bloody nose.

Take it slow though, make sure she enjoys, talk about expectations first. Try to get her turned on and do let her know during how hot it is, how amazing she looks and keep it light. Yes mostly focus on her enjoyment though, make her want more. Try to incorporate things she likes into it. After the session make sure to give her lots of extra love and reinforcement. Sometimes after being submissive we have had to deal with subdrop and it's very real and can be very horrible. Proper aftercare should be part of the plan to ensure a positive memory.

Lots of good advice here. What I would add is, if you've been married for 25years and things are not going well sexually it is probably a larger communication issue you both have been accumulating over those years. Coming with demands might not be the proper way to turn back the sex drive of your wife. The discussion you might want to have with her could be in the direction that you would be interested in getting sexual/couple consultation with a 3rd party. That way she could also voice what it is she is missing in your relationship and you could get the cock off your chest.. This should be as much about you listening to her on how she feels. Make it that you are interested in her. The relationship should feel like a safe place that you can both tell each other anything and be true soulmates.. then you get messy

I come from the perspective if your relationship is far enough along to where you're bumping uglies, it's to the point where you can be open and honest about what turns you on. This is one of those topics I'm really passionate about, becaue there's so many people who will go decades without telling their partner what they really want. That's absolutely tragic.

Here's the thing, if you want your partner to know of and accept your kink, you should at the same time, inquire about hers, and want to enthusiastically make her fantasies happen. For us, when we first got to the ugly bumping stage, we sat down with a bottle of decent Rhone blend, and playfully designed our freak flags. What's on your freak flag? I think we used canva or something. But it could have been as simple as a conversation. "I have a few things in mind but is there anything you would like to try in the bedroom?"

Dessert T, I'm going to send you a copy of Splat. I hope it's helpful. It may even be something she would want to read if she wants to learn more about your kink.

Edit, to echo Reiver2's comment on your sex life being on the rocks, what does this mean. If you guys aren't having sex because there is a deeper relationship issue, then work on that first. If it's rocky because of time, inconvenience, etc, then I would continue to.bring it up. Look, good marriages and relationships don't accidently happen. It takes intentional steps every day. It's worth doing well.

Guys,

Thanks for the messages and sage advice on what I should do. The consensus seems to be that we need to get back on track with our relationship before anything else. There were some home truths in there and maybe I am making it all about me. I can tell you I partially broached the subject today. She was very sad and thought I was going to leave her. I assured her this will not happen. I hinted that I need to explore a certain path in life and she was quite encouraging in letting me out and about to do more on the scene. However, I still haven't told her what I am into, although I think she can guess. Her attitude is that since the menopause (and she had that quite early) things haven't been working right in that dept. (the women in her might understand) and her libido is basically zero. She tells me I am her best friend and she loves living with me, but really can't be bothered anymore with sex.

What I am going to do is try and not be such a selfish ass, and make sure I take much better care of her in future. When I do 'fes up about the WAM stuff I suspect she is going to send me off to join a club! In her mind all these fetishes are clubs and she doesn't like joining them. I think she was put off by a colleague who once told her he used to go and pose as a human table in a bondage club. I think she fears I might be turning also into a lamp and a matching nest of tables

Also, I want to thank the kind soul who sent me the book. I think I will help explain a lot of where I am coming from. I always bottle it when it matters of the heart.

Cheers Guys,
T x

Good luck on your path. As for Menopause it might be good that she talks to her physician as there are solutions / medication available to improve sex drive. On the flip side one of the issue with menopause is dryness down there that causes pain during sex.. resulting in lower sex drive.. well nothing will beat dryness better than sex in a pool of Natrosol Slime you know..

Well, they do say that miracles happen at Christmas. I am afraid I got rather in a state with all this as you might have seen in my Messy Minds posting. I was that close away from calling it a day. Yesterday, in a flood of tears I told my wife everything and I mean everything. The laughter of utter relief was the initial reaction. She had noticed a massive change and he been worried I would tell her something repugnant. She really didn't understand what I meant at first. However, with help of UMD, you good people here and a very kind member who sent me a book on the subject I was able to guide her into the ways of this community. She was very sad I bottled it all up. She spent the rest Saturday and reading articles on the subject and talking with me about it. Did you know us types are mentioned on Mumsnet(!)? By the end of the day she was asking what to add to the shopping list at the end of the week. I then suddenly saw the lovely woman I had married back in 2001 and. confidentially, we had one of the best non-wam nights imaginable for the first time in years.

What an idiot I have been, so much wasted time. All I had to do was tell and ask. My own advice is talk, talk and talk. Remember that sweetheart who you were desperate to marry all those years ago. It's still the same person in there, just a little older and wiser.

BTW. From my wife's point of view this might sound a bit one sided. As advised and as a gentleman I did ask her very softly if she was OK with all this and what we might do for her in return. I think she was just happy to see me not depressed anymore and said she had nothing really in mind for herself. Happy to play along and get into it. She did show me a book by Nancy Friday which she has had hidden away from me and I had a look through that. It's a compilation of anonymous real female fantasies. If you think women are the fairer sex have a look at a copy. I have never read such a bunch of unadulterated filth! Our fetish is so light and healthy compared to some of those! BTW there only one bit of WAM in there, the one where a lady and her male DIY man are writhing about in grey paint!

So, may I wish you some very good seasonal cheers and a great 2025 coming up. This community has literally save my life.

Yours,
Andy