ST SLOPP'S NEWSLETTER

From the pen of Head Prefect - Olly Queen

Hello to all students and alumni of St Slopp's Grammar. I'm sure you will all be as pleased as I am to announce the results of the termly 'Battle of the Schools' with our 'less-fortunate' rivals over at Gungington High School.

After a surprisingly tight and tense three-rounds of General Knowledge (state education must be improving) between our respective Head Prefects, classical education, breeding, and refinement won the day with your humble Head Boy taking the contest two rounds to one.

As per tradition, the losing boy will take his place in the school gunge tank for a humiliating shower of slop in the winning school's colours in front of all invited Masters, prefects, and students at next assembly. The resulting pictures will be posted and viewed to enjoy here, so please make sure you have a good laugh at the pathetic loser's expense: https://umd.net/profile/i/suitedgungemaster/section/photos/album/sad-times-at-gungington-high-sch

As you all know, historically the pathetic slimeball is also required to write an apology letter to the victorious school, admitting inferiority and accepting their well-deserved punishment. I include the body of that letter here for your delectation (who know these state-school oiks could write?):


Dear St Slopps Grammar School,

As you will no doubt be aware, Gungington High School entered into the regular Inter-Schools Excellence Quiz recently against yourselves with myself as team captain. Unfortunately it became apparent quickly that we were out-gunned and out-classed by your superior team captain Oliver Queen who made light work of my team. As is customary, a wager between our schools was made which would see the winning institution gain bragging rights and an opportunity to sentence the losing team to a traditional gunging in the winner's colours. Mr Queen took full advantage of this and has seen fit to sentence me to a St Slopps Yellow and Green dumping over my Gungington presentation uniform. My school has notified me of this in writing and I accept that I have let everyone down and deserve nothing less than a total humiliation whilst Mr Queen toasts his success in his clean, perfect green and yellow tie. I have been asked by my Headmaster to apologize for our performance.

Whilst St Slopps has a proud history of notable alumni, Gungington is a sad mess of losers who cannot even memorize basic general knowledge without failing. Perhaps it is our awful, garish uniform which distracts us from learning at the same level as your esteemed students with their fine silk ties. Perhaps it is the fact that we are simply not as good as you in every way. I myself am a weed who deserves to be slopped for even daring to waste your student's time in the quiz. They should be challenged and instead were merely entertained by my team's weakness and state-grade lack of ability. My school has offered to send me to our gunge tank "The Ol' Slopper" in assembly to make an example of my terrible captain-ship in front of our entire school lest we ever make the mistake of challenging you again. Nothing short of a traditional ceremonial gunging will do to instill the message that I, and by extension the entirety of Gungington High School are not worthy to lick your fine boots never mind challenge your intellect. We will of course ensure that photos of my punishment are readily available for your talented students to laugh at. I have already received a number of taunting remarks from your students and our head prefect has decided that I am to sit stewing in gungey detention for an extra 2 minutes for every one. This will mean I get slopped at the start of our assembly and will have to soak in my own humiliation for the remainder of the half hour of headmaster's daily lecture. Rest assured this will ruin my uniform and make me a laughing stock among my peers. We have also invited Mr Queen to personally pull the lever on The Ol' Slopper in order to remind everyone that you are better than us and can humiliate us as you see fit. In conclusion, I am not fit to be in the same competition as yourselves and will pay the price for being stupid enough to think other wise.

Yours

Roger

Losing Quiz Captain

Gungington High School for losers


Stirring stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. Until next term, St Slopps!
Honour and Humiliation.

Olly Queen