I've removed everything because of my world falling apart... thanks for all of the love but I had to. Tonight my girlfriend of close to 9 years found out about everything I've been keeping secret over the past month and a few weeks (since October). She found out I've gotten back into WAM and CD, been on a spending spree that got a bit out of hand and worse of all; she refused to accept me for who I am.

I get it, I once again hid things from her again and there is a slight betrayal there. I don't blame her for being angry about it. But when I told her the reason I got back into CD was because I finally accepted it as being a part of me, she still told me she was going to destroy everything and I was going to stop such things or we are done. Hence my world falling apart.

I don't want to lose her and I love her with all my heart, but I also don't want to be with someone who won't accept me as me, even if I've changed since we first met and my definition of who I am has evolved over time as oneself should. I can't just suppress something that is part of me and never feel fully and truly happy. I just can't do it.

I don't know what to do, it's been 8 yrs and just over 11 months of a rollercoaster ride with her. But when I asked her if she found out I was into CD years ago when we first started out if we'd still be together, she told me no. So this apparently is a deal breaker for whatever reason; I keep on asking her why I can't CD and she just gives me "why do i need a reason?" and all of this hurt worse than knives stabbing me repeatedly in the back.

I know that my friends that I've talked to on here over the time of my return aren't going to be able to offer any advice in any amount of time where I'd be able to see it before tomorrow when we head to my house to destroy my pools and my outfits and a number of other things she is going to be interested in destroying... a good thousand $ worth of stuff or so by my estimate. Which looking back on, I regret spending all of that money on things when the $ could have gone to better more worthy causes like helping her to take care of her parents or paying extra towards our cars I'm paying for. She is right in saying I was being selfish n self-centered with my purchases I've made for myself and hidden from her. I'm a bit of an impulse buyer so I wasn't thinking at the time.

Thank you to all of my UMD friends, I really appreciate our conversations we have had but I'm probably going to go on hiatus for a bit until I can figure out if I'm going to let her destroy my shit or let my love of my life fall apart. It's an impossible decision to make but it has to be done in mere hours...

I have a feeling I'm going to cave and let her dictate my life & lifestyle because my heart won't allow me to break hers n stop her. At the same time, her ignorance and inacceptance of my true self, makes me want to leave anyways. I don't want to be with someone who won't love me as I am and as I evolve.

And it just... hurts so much right now. I can hardly stand it. Keeping me from my video game addiction by taking my controllers, that I don't like & feel is ridiculous but I can live without my Fortnite and chatting with my PSN friends. I miss them n all, but not a huge breakup level deal. This though, this just might be why we end up not working out whether it happens in the morning or years down the road.

Any comments or advice gladly welcome... don't know what to do anymore.