I guess I never talked about what happened when I tried to salvage my "Dirty 30" in April... Absolutely gut wrenching and madness inducing.

So I was planning a slime wrestling shoot with a concept literally made for my original co-star since the first day I met her back last July. It was actually going to be my original Hump submission before course correction after course correction. Thought we were finally going to make it happen. She knew it was for my birthday. She was being so sweet. Seemed stoked. Until it seemed like a "inconvenience" to her due to where set location would be and the conversation was strange to say the least. Felt like a rug pull- a blind side. I felt like she was big timing me since she started getting a lot of paid bookings, when this was supposed to be a collab she could also sell (and we had already talked about other WAM scene ideas we could do together).

Ok.. pivot. New plan. New co-star. Day before: New Co-star asks to confirm call time due to an alleged appointment she had. No scheduling conflict, but in my gut I still felt like it was a bad sign. Meanwhile- Someone was working on building my main set piece needed for the scene to work and he PROMISED it would be done morning of at the latest. I'm up at 5 AM that morning. He texts me to tell me he ran out of materials and couldn't finish. He showed me a pic because I questioned if he had even worked on it at all. He did. It looked awful and obviously unfinished. I was furious, but I checked in with my friend/director/videographer to talk about ways to make the scene work still. Few hours later- text from Co-star claiming food poisoning. I think it was a cop out. Spent the day having panic attacks and sobbing. Never wound up shooting anything. Lots of flashbacks to the trials and tribulations I faced during the process of everything surrounding "Hot Mess."

I have an insane amount of slime mixes. Different colors and thickness variations. My little protoge Froggie moved a bit further away & has a differrent work schedule now so I rarely see her. Other friends of mine in this line or work are also flakey af or just don't even care to respond to me when I hit them up about WAM collabs. I know I can make gunge content solo, but it's not as fun and also sooo much work as one disabled person with no outdoor area to shoot to make things a little easier as far as prep and cleanup goes.

I love it so much. I wish it was easier. I wish I could create at a faster rate. It's not about the money. I really do love it.

Vent over. Bleh. Just been feeling really down in general and everything feels bleak and I don't have a lot of hope for the future.