This is very personal to me, and I'm putting it out here in case anyone else has similar questions.

I'm an attractive female, attracted outwardly to men and women as well. I guess that means I'm bi. I was in a relationship with a very controlling man who didn't respect me much. During that time, I had many girlfriends who I could talk with, and they showed compassion and respect. When the relationship ended, I found little attraction to other men. Most men look at me and think poorly of me, due to my big boobs and lips they have said are meant to give blow jobs. I get a lot of horrible comments and attitudes from men - even professional men who should know better. I am what I choose to be, and in my case I'm a former model who had enhancement surgery, and who now has a professional job with a respectable firm in a big city.

As for females, I have never been sexual with any, nor really want to. That means I'm not really attracted sexually to men OR women, leaving me somewhat on my own.

I only recently realized my love for getting messy, mostly slippery in thin clothing. It turns me on. A lot. I will be taking photos of myself soon, and when I shared modeling photos, it excited me to see the reactions on men's faces. Turning them on through photos was very different because they respected the artistry of the photography. When I share messy photos here, I expect to also feel appreciated for the work. If guys are turned on (and even girls) by my photos or videos, they are accepting something I created.

My question is this: Does anyone else here feel they have to hide? I am hiding behind my photos, and even behind my lips and boobs. (added features I was not born with) 'Normal' sex doesn't seem exciting, but playing in messes until I pleasure myself drives me crazy with pleasure. Recording that and sharing it also drives me crazy knowing others will like it. But I don't feel they are liking ME, only my work. Or my boobs or my lips, all of which I bought. The real me is in here, shy and awkward, while the outward me is confident and bold.

But where am I in all this? I think I lost myself. I would play messy with a woman, but not in a sexual way. I would not want to play messy with a man, and I do not want 'normal' sex at all.
So where does that leave me? Am I messed up? I just wanted to share my feelings with fans of mess, because it makes me feel better - like you are my people, my tribe. Am I making any sense? I wonder if I should hit 'delete' or 'Save'. If you're reading this, you know which one I chose. Any thoughts?