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Personal venting, not WAM
By Potatoman-Jx
Posted 1/16/19     44 views
What do you do when you get in a funk over someone? I know better, but I can't stop how I feel. I know desperation plays a part in it because... well it's been six years without so much as a kiss now.

I try to focus on other things, but I have an obsessive mind that doesn't shut off. Sometimes the gym helps, other times...nothing can shake it off.

Then the self worth issues start to show...

I'm so pent up and don't know what to do about it. It happens about once a month really acutely. I'll have dreams about it.

Like I don't know if it's even fair to say anything, so usually I just suffer in silence because it's not fair to the other person to say something.

Like now for instance I think I should delete this entire message because no one will read it, or it doesn't belong here, it adds to my pathetic nature, etc.

Then, if I think about it more (which I always do because I'm obsessive and neurotic) I decide it's best to isolate myself from everyone so I don't infect them with my mental pathology... So, I'll delete Facebook and sometimes all my phone contacts.

Then the self worth issues grow. Then the drugs start to appeal to me. I just want to shut down. I'm exhausted from thinking, and all I feel is pain and isolation.

And it's those things that make me unworthy of the companionship I seek so desperately. And in the past that security of a companion (my ex wife) was the panacea that kept me from imploding.

So, my situation and desperation push people away. I reach out for connection. But I'm like a magnet with two negative poles and when people meet me, they face the other way to push me away.
Some people and friends tell me I have to learn to be content alone.
I try to be content alone, but alone I'm with only my thoughts. There is no one else to talk to, and I already know what I'm going to say.

I actually have conversations with myself. Sometimes I imagine having conversations with other people, it's like I'm rehearsing for life. It's like playing a game of chess, I try and account for every possible response . I've become so desperate to win someone's attention or favor. I think and plan everything, but never reach the desired outcome: to once again have that other half to communicate with.

That person that tempers my mind, that quells my fears, that feels like home. The person who I can wrap myself in figuratively and in actuality for security. That person who sees me in all my calamity and accepts me, no, wants me even with the baggage.

A person who in spite of all of that, will hold me in their arms regardless. Someone who I can be completely defenseless and at ease with.

Someone who sees past the pain and broken shell I've become, someone who sees something worthwhile in me. Someone I can pour my heart and soul into. Someone I can live with every ounce of Will and desire I have left.

That is the meaning I seek, and it's the source of the profound despair that wracks the very core of my being.
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