I had always been into getting messy, ever since I saw Sally James on Tiswas. My partner was also into mess, which was extra special, since we were at school together.

After many years lurking, I went public on UMD, dressed as my alter ego, Patsy Pastry, making a few videos.

I wanted to try something different, so introduced savoury food. This is something that I had considered in the past, but wasn't sure if I'd like it. We settled on Brown Sauce, Ketchup, Salad Cream and dough. I don't mind ketchup, but hate brown sauce and salad cream. I was also apprehensive about trying dough, in case my hair got clumped up with it. I have long blonde curls after all!

Part of messy fun for me is to dress up. On this occasion, it was as a medieval maiden. I also got a wig to protect my hair from the dough. It all went according to plan, apart from brown sauce. Absolutely hated it and won't be trying it again. I was drawn to salad cream. The smell is unique and very vinegary. It also looked brilliant on video. Peter topped my head off with some lettuce and I put cucumber slices up to my eyes. I found the smell and look quite humiliating. I had never thought about humiliation, until then. Slapstick was literally that, good old fashioned messy fun. Suddenly, it became exciting, something I never associated with WAM until that point.

The next few shoots included savoury food and dough. More creative ways to humiliate me. For me, WAM has to include my face and in some cases, entire head being covered, or it doesn't work. It is probably because, all week, I am not Patsy. My hair has to be just right. I have to put on a different face, smartish clothes and smell "normal". This is why, when I become Patsy, I have to dress ridiculous, have a clown face and smell stinky. Salad Cream gave me that.

I tried salad cream, topped off with branston pickle on top of my head. It smells rank and include a brown slurry with diced onion bits. I managed to get it in a squeezy bottle with smaller chunks. I managed to have it piled up on my head, giving me a new brown stinky hairdo. One photo made it look like I had a branston pickle hat on. How exciting.

Whilst I enjoyed the shoots to that point, I wanted entire head coverage. No skin visible, no hair uncovered. Even my neck needed to get it. I want growing fan base to see me go from Patsy Pastry the pretty clown to totally unrecognisable, with no features clearly visible. It was just a shame that we don't have smell a vision!

For my last shoot, I experimented with different brands of salad cream, from Heinz to shop brand and cheap stuff. I thought being the most expensive, Heinz would be best. As it turns out, the cheapest brand included the cheapest ingredients and smelt the most rank, so I got 6 bottles of that, my most to date.

But, what to put on top. I'd tried Branston Pickle, so wanted to try something else. I settled on egg mayonnaise sandwich filler. My local Sainsbury's sells large tubs of it. So, I got three of them.

Peter was given strict instructions what to do. My neck was to be covered first. Then my shoulders, my cleavage and whole upper body. Finally, my head. He achieved that, as you can see from my photos. Next, egg mayo contents was put into a hat and I planted it on my head. Job done!
I just stood there, unable to open my eyes. All I could smell was egg and vinegar. I felt myself getting excited and turned on. Unbelievable. I could feel the egg mayo and salad cream running down my head. I knew my fans would love the end result as much as me.

So, what next? More bottles of course. More extreme coverage. Maybe some in my panties, shoes and tights. Inside my bra. More egg mayo. Placed on the head this time. Can I get an egg mayo hat? Maybe have something in my mouth? Boiled egg slice held up to my eyes? Tins of tuna in my panties? Made to stand each food in a bowl of something?

The list is endless, but as long as I'm smelly and look ridiculously unrecognisable, this girl is going to do it!

Patsy
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