LADY CAROLINE AND THE LADY IN THE WHITE SUIT Part 2


"Virginia is an absolute bitch," Bob told Caroline. "The only reason I haven't divorced her already is that I have set up several rather complex financial deals with her name on the paperwork. Once I have rationalised those, she is off. I heard her accuse you of sleeping with me, a remark for which I can only apologise profusely. And as for 'sleeping around', Virginia is a past mistress! She really needs taking down a peg or two. It might just do something for her arrogance if she were humiliated in public, rather than handing it out to others."

Caroline was thoughtful. "If you mean what you just said, I believe I have an idea as to how it might be possible to give Lady Branchester a very public humiliation. Leave it with me"


Following her conversation with Bob (Lord Banchester) Caroline spent some time thinking about how she might bring about Lady Brancaster's public humiliation. She knew that it would have to be something very wet and messy and in full view Virginia's friends and those whose respect she craved. She sought the advice of two of her best friends, Fiona Anstruther and Susie Splosh. Fiona was a friend from school days when the two girls were notorious for their practical jokes. Susie was a newer friend from whom Caroline had learned much about wet and messy practices.

The three girls met for a brainstorming session at Caroline's flat. As the chardonnay went down their ideas became more and more fantastic and the laughter louder. Finally, as Caroline ruefully shook the third bottle to see whether another drink could be squeezed out (it couldn't!), she announced, "Well I think we have one or two ideas in there that might work. I'll talk them through with Lord Branchester and let you know what he thinks. In the meantime all this wet and messy talk has made me as horny as hell. How about we retire to the shower?" Not needing to be asked twice, the three girls were soon all under the shower, soaking their pretty dresses and ruining their hairstyles. One thing led to another, and wet clothing was soon discarded on the floor whilst the girls gave themselves over to a three-way, girl-on-girl session. Neither Fiona nor Susie went home that night!

The following morning Caroline left a message with Lord Branchester's PA asking if she could have a word with him. She quickly received a message back suggesting drinks after work that day. Accordingly Caroline met with Bob at a bar on the South Bank. "I think I have come up with an idea for publically humiliating your wife if you still want to do this," Caroline told Bob. He grinned; "Well, I haven't changed my mind. Tell me what your idea is." Caroline explained; "I assume Virginia is keen to get in with the county-set in Hertfordshire?" (Hertfordshire was where Lord Branchester had his country estate.) "Oh absolutely," he replied. "I'm seen as very 'nouveau money' and therefore not quite the most appropriate neighbour. That doesn't stop them constantly seeking contributions to their various activities and charities, of course! Whilst I can take it or leave it, Virginia is desperate to get 'in' with them." "Well, I suggest you announce that Lady Branchester will be hosting a grand summer fete at your house with the proceeds going to some cause or other which is dear to your neighbour's hearts. Invite me to attend as a 'token celebrity', and a few friends and I will set up some messy traps around the site. I'm sure we will be able to lure your wife into one or other of them and then we will trash her in full view of those she is seeking to impress. In public she won't have any alternative but to appear to take in good part as a contribution to the fund raising. Inwardly I'm sure she will be furious, but I assume you could cope with that?" Bob Branchester guffawed; "That sounds priceless. I'll sew the seeds in Virginia's mind tonight. I'm sure she will jump at the chance to front a big event to impress our neighbours."

As Bob had predicted, his wife was enthusiastic about hosting a summer fete. It took several weeks to organise it and send out invitations, but one sunny Saturday in July the fete finally came to fruition.

Whilst Bob had been busy organising a conventional fete with funfair, sideshows, and various countryside events involving animals and the inevitable Morris dancers, Caroline and her friends were equally busy planning a number of messy traps. In addition to Fiona and Susie, William-the-Waiter, Candy, and Franklin Caruthers had been drawn into the plot. (All had been involved with Caroline in previous messy adventures.) Franklin, a younger son of a significant aristocrat, was given a special task. "It will be your job to become Lady Branchester's friend," Caroline explained. "I want her to see you as a potential beau, so that she will listen to your advice at the critical moment when she is about to enter one of our traps." Franklin made a sour face; "I hope you aren't suggesting I sleep with her?" he sneered, "Because even I have to draw the line somewhere!" Caroline grinned; "Oh I have every confidence that you can manage the situation however you deem best," she retorted, with a smile. (All his friends knew that in practice Franklin was sexually omnivorous and had a reputation for sleeping with almost anyone, man/woman, young/old. If he thought he was in with a chance, Franklin would always make a play. Caroline was fairly certain he and Virginia would end up in bed together well before the date of the fete!)

The rest of the plotters set to work dreaming up various scenarios whereby LadyBranchester could be inveigled into a messy situation. Having identified a few options, they went to work preparing them.

On the day before the fete was to take place, the plotters joined others who were helping set up the event. There were already so many different groups and individuals involved in the fete that the presence of a few more went unnoticed. William and Candy set up a brightly coloured tent adored with banners and flags announcing "The World Famous Coventry Clowns". (An entirely fictitious entity but plausible enough that no one questioned them.) There seemed to be a very large number of squishy pies in evidence for the clowns to use!

Fiona was in charge of a pillow-fighting sideshow. A plank was suspended above a tank of water and participants were offered a chance to knock each other off the plank and into the water with foam pillows. (Although a great attraction, privately Caroline didn't think this was one where there was much chance of getting Lady Branchester involved. However, it had been Fiona's idea, so Caroline let her run with it.)

The final opportunity for giving Lady Branchester a public messing, (and in Caroline's opinion the most likely one), was a pillory where the victim's head and wrists were locked in place so that they couldn't escape. This was to be Susie's sideshow.

The problem was how to convince Lady Branchester to appear to participate in one of these events when Caroline knew full well that she would never agree to risk even the slightest degree of mess on her person. Caroline's solution to this was to recruit the assistance of one of her colleagues from Life Style TV. Her Editor, Brian, had previously been on the receiving end of one of Caroline's schemes and, much to his and her surprise, had actually ended up enjoying getting messy. She explained the plan to Brian, stressing the fact that it had Lord Branchester total backing. "Lady Branchester is an ambitious snob," she told him. "I'm sure she that if she thought her fete were going to be covered on television she would go out of her way to be the main feature. Obviously we can't let on that you are from Life Style as even a woman as unaware as Virginia might smell a rat. We will pretend you are a cameraman from the local news station." Brian took a bit of convincing, but once having agreed to help he was very enthusiastic, even coming up with some ideas of his own. "Why don't I make a point of explaining to Lady Branchester that it would look good in the report if she were shown to be inflicting a messing on others. For example, from what you have told me, she would take great delight in thumping you off a plank into the pool. We can tell her everything is being specially staged to show her as being a good sport by taking part in the various events. It would have to be more that just the messy events though so as to convince her our intentions are genuine."

By the time she got up Saturday morning Caroline was confident that they had a better than even chance of giving Lady Branchester a well deserved public humiliation. She took time over sorting out her dress and makeup, as she wanted to appear particularly smart and attractive so that Veronica would be eager to trash her. She chose an elegant lilac sheath dress with matching heels and handbag, and wore her hair in a pretty up-do.

The fete was due to start at 11:30 and, as agreed with Lord Branchester, Caroline and Brian pitched up, separately, at 10 o'clock. Brian arrived first and, when Caroline came along some minutes later, Lord Branchester 'introduced' them to each other. "Ah Caroline, you won't have met Brian Walcott. He is from Hertfordshire TV; it is our local news station. They have kindly agreed to feature out little event on this evenings programme. Brian, may I introduce Caroline Walker. She is the presenter of my Life Style TV show." "Oh I know of Lady Caroline," Brian said, shaking her hand. "Aren't you the one who always ends up in some messy scrape of other?" "I have to confess I am," Caroline replied. "Lord Branchester asked me to come along today and circulate with the crowd as apparently I have a certain popularity with the public!"

During this exchange Lady Branchester stood glowering at Caroline, but as Caroline turned to greet her, she managed to present a rather fixed smile. "Good of you to spare time for us Caroline," she said, "I'm sure you have such a busy schedule." "Oh I always prioritise helping friends," Caroline responded. She was delighted to see that Virginia was wearing the same lovely white suit, hat and Louboutin shoes that she had worn for the opening of the school swimming pool. "It is obviously a favourite outfit," Caroline thought to herself, gleefully, "it will be even more painful for her to have it trashed!"

As introductions were made, Caroline was amused to see Franklin standing close to Lady Branchester, but one step behind her. "This is Franklin, my Press Secretary," Lady Branchester informed Brian. "Please liaise with him for any information you need about my fete and the guests I have invited." As she turned away, followed by Franklin, he just had time to whisper to Caroline; "Maybe she should have asked me to liaise over her 'fate' rather than her 'fete'!"

As the plotters had agreed, Brian explained to Lady Branchester that the item about the fete would be most interesting if she were seen to be participating as she toured the grounds. Realising that would mean that she would be the person featuring most prominently in the film, Virginia quickly agree to Brian's suggestions.

They started off filming Virginia riding the Carousel and then taking a shy at knocking a coconut off its stand. (She failed, but on the second take a tug on a carefully concealed string made it appear as if she had. Brian filmed her receiving her prize.)

Next Virgina had a go at fishing a duck out of a paddling pool and received a hideous pink, cuddly-toy dog as her prize.

"Can we now film you with the Coventry Clowns?" Brian asked Virginia. "It will make a nice sequence if you pie one of them." Always game to humiliate someone else, Virginia eagerly agreed. Brian filmed a sequence that started with Caroline interviewing Candy and William about the Coventry Clowns. (The two of them made up such outrageous stories that Caroline struggled to keep a straight face.) Then Virginia picked up a large cream pie and slapped it vigorously in Candy's face. At the same time Caroline was giving William a pie-sandwich. She could see, from the glances she gave her, that Virginia would have much preferred it had Caroline been on the receiving end of the pie.

It was not surprising therefore that at the next sideshow, the pillow fight, that Virginia perked up when it was explained that it would look good on television if she and Caroline had a staged fight resulting in her knocking Caroline into the pool. "Oh yes, I can see how that would go down well," she told Brian in a triumphant tone. Caroline pretended to be reluctant. "I know I don't normally object to getting wet," she said, "but I wasn't expecting to today so I have worn one of my favourite dresses." Of course this only made Virginia even more eager to knock Caroline off the plank.

Virginia was a little less enthusiastic when she saw the plank on which the two women had to stand for the pillow fight. "It is very narrow," she complained, "I can't risk falling in myself. Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all." Franklin leaned forward; "It would look good on television Lady Branchester, and think of the impact a clip on social media would have. The pictures of you knocking a TV celebrity and messy icon into the water would go viral!" That tipped the balance. "Very well; set up the shot but make sure there is no chance of me getting wet."

Caroline quickly realised this stunt wasn't going to provide the opportunity to humiliate Lady Branchester, as Brian clipped a safety harness around Virginia's waist to ensure she would stay safely on the plank. Caroline received no such aid. "Ah well, it's a nice day and another ducking won't hurt me," she thought ruefully. The two women carefully walked out onto the plank clutching their foam pillows. Caroline noticed that Virginia had removed her shoes, whilst she was still teetering in her heels. "Well I guess that will make it easier for her to knock me over," she thought.

On Brian's cue, the two women swung their pillows at each other. It wasn't as straightforward as they had assumed and it took a few wild swings before proper contact was made. Caroline took care not to hit hard, but Virginia had no such inhibitions. After a minute or so sparring, an almighty thwack threw Caroline off balance. Playing up, she dropped her pillow and swayed back and forth as if trying to regain her balance. But to no avail; a further blow from Virginia toppled poor Caroline into the pool. She surfaced, her outfit soaked and her hair ruined. Virginia looked triumphantly down and crowed; "I win!"

Caroline hauled herself out of the pool and stood dripping. "Great sequence", Brian announced. "That will definitely make the final cut." As the party moved towards the next sideshow Brian whispered to Caroline; "God but you are a good actress! The way you went in the pool was classic." "Thank you kind sir," Caroline replied, dropping a damp curtsey, "as ever, I did rather enjoy the ducking!"

The party walked (Caroline squelched) towards the final sideshow, which was the pillory where Susie stood waiting to explain to camera how it was being used that day. By now the sight of a camera crew walking around the fete was attracting a crowd, including many of the neighbours Lady Branchester was hoping to impress.

The device was actually a sort of cross between medieval stocks and pillory. The person put in them sat on a plank with their legs stretched out in front, resting in two semi-circular holes carved out of another plank. The other half of the plank was then fixed in place securing the feet and legs. A similar split plank was fastened horizontally around the neck and wrists so that the 'victim' was unable to move or avoid whatever was thrown at them. Virginia did not look happy when she heard Susie describe how it worked. "We are going to sell pies and other messy substances to members of the public." Virginia wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Its OK," Susie hastened to add, "we haven't opened the sideshow yet and the device is perfectly clean."

"It would make a great sequence if you were photographed being put into the stocks," Brian told Virginia. "There is no way you are getting me to sit on that!" she reposted. "Oh don't be such a spoilsport," said Lord Branchester, with a laugh. "Look I'll go first." Good as his word, Bob allowed himself to be immobilised in the stocks. "Now no pies from you Caroline!" he joked. "Maybe later I can enjoy throwing a few things at you." This remark gave Virginia pause for thought. "I'll agree to sit in that thing on two conditions," she said. "Firstly that I don't get any marks on my Versace suit, and secondly I get first go at throwing things at Caroline." "Yeah, she would love that," thought Caroline, wryly.

Lord Branchester climbed out of the stocks and Virginia took his place, first insisting that a clean towel be provided for her to sit on. She was soon securely trapped.

Lord Branchester turned and addressed the crowd, which by now was quite large. "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to our little fete. I trust you will have a very pleasant time. However, I should now tell you that this whole event has been staged to get my wife into the position she now occupies. For far too long she has taken pleasure in humiliating and embarrassing people, including me. It is now time she receives some of her own medicine." Virginia was looking worried and puzzled. "What nonsense are you talking Robert," she said in a cross voice. "Unfasten this immediately and let me out of here." "Oh no, not just yet my dear. There are too many people who want their revenge first." Virginia look aghast; "You wouldn't," she cried, "this suit cost a fortune!" "Well I paid for it, and I don't mind in least writing it off in a good cause, Lord Branchester replied."

"I think you should tke first shot Caroline," he said, "after all Lady Branchester has been pretty awful towards you." "Oh no Bob, you have had to put up with her longer than me. The first pie should be yours." "Don't you dare Robert," Lady Branchester cried, as her husband hefted a large cream pie. "Oh I think I will," he replied and, with that, let her have it full in the face. Virginia's hat was knocked askew; she was blinded with cream, whilst blackcurrant filling and pastry dripped down the front of her previously immaculate suit.

Susie carefully wiped the cream from Virginia's eyes. "We wouldn't want you to miss seeing what is about to happen," she remarked cheerfully. "Now it is my turn," announced Caroline, as she picked a couple of paint bombs from a basket. These were balloons partially filled with paint and designed to burst on impact. In seconds Virginia had red and blue paint all down the front of her jacket and skirt.

Of course the crowd loved this and cheered each time a missile hit Virginia. Not least amongst these were the local gentry whom Virginia had hoped to impress and whose circle she so desperately longed to join. The clearly was little if any chance of that happening now.

After Lord Branchester and Caroline had taken their turns, Susie threw it open to anyone who was willing to pay for the privilege of pelting Lady Branchester. There was no shortage of eager volunteers and it wasn't long before she was a total, trashed wreck.

Virginia was sobbing with rage, humiliation, and dismay. She was shrieking abuse at all and sundry but especially her husband and Caroline. Pies were followed by paint and buckets of gunge. There was long queue of people willing to pay handsomely to take part in the gunging, as Lady Branchester had treated local tradesmen equally appallingly as she had behaved towards Caroline, and much pleasure was taken in gaining revenge.

Suddenly, and quite fortuitously, one of those sudden summer squalls swept across the grounds driving the crowd to take shelter under cover. "You can't leave me here," Virginia shrieked. "I rather think we can," her husband replied! The rain poured down soaking what little remained of Lady Branchester once beautiful suit. The rain had the effect of spreading the mess everywhere. Finally, when the rain showed no sign of easing, Caroline, who was of course already soaked from her earlier dunking, went and released to pins holding Virginia in the stocks. A filthy, sobbing and furious woman climbed down and stormed across to her husband. "You will pay for this," she hissed, "you and your whore," indicating Caroline. "I rather think it will be the other way round," Lord Branchester replied, taking a sealed envelop from his pocket. "These are your copies of the divorce papers I have served on you. I suggest you get up to London and consult your lawyer immediately. There are some dry clothes in the stables. I never want you to set foot in my house again." "You bastard; I'll take you for every penny you own," she snarled. "You are welcome to try but I doubt you will succeed given the evidence I have accumulated about you." "I'll see you in court"; Virginia turned on heel and stalked away. "Come Franklin," she called as she walked off. "You can drive me to London." "I don't think so," Franklin replied. "I'd rather stay here with my friends."

Virginia turned, her once pretty face distorted in an ugly grimace. "I'll have my revenge on the pack of you," she snarled as she squelched uncomfortably away.

Lord Branchester turned to the crowd; "Well, I'm sorry but that's the end of this entertainment. However, now that the rain has stopped, please continue to enjoy the rest of the fete." "Shame," someone called out, "I haven't had a chance to throw a pie yet!" Caroline turned to Lord Branchester; "Bob, I'm happy to take a turn in the stocks. I'm already soaked and with Brian filming, we can get a story for Life Style TV." "Well, if you don't mind." he replied.

Caroline grinned and walked across to the stocks. "Fasten me in," she asked Susie. She then called to the crowd; "OK form an orderly queue and let me have it!" There were echoing cheers. As the first pie slapped into her face, Caroline groaned with pleasure. She would never admit it to the others, but the sight of Lady Branchester getting trashed had really turned her on. "Now its my turn," she thought happily.