I'm posting this here because this is the community I have the most anonymity within. It's a community I've been a part of for most of my life and as I rapidly approach my 35th birthday on the 14th of November, I find myself wondering about a lot of things in my life.

I've been going through a lot over the last few years. I'm a bi male and have known this to be the case for years now but I met an amazing woman about 9 yrs ago and though I truly do love her, we've been having some rocky patches on n off; and they've been more frequent lately.

I also am a cross-dresser to a point, which this is the first time I'm admitting it very publicly and I've also had some thoughts & considerations of looking into surgery. Something I've realized since isn't something I'm serious about and though I enjoyed having fake boobs glued on in the past, taking it to that extreme next level isn't something I would go through. Not only because of expenses and such but because it would completely uproot my entire life and turn it upside-down & inside out.

I feel as if the really rocky part of my relationship truly began when I approached my gf with these thoughts and how I felt. She didn't really support me in the manner I thought she would and really, she freaked out about it. To the point that she wanted me to stop cross-dressing all together; popped my forms with scissors and cut up most of the clothes I had along with tossing out my wigs that I also had.

For a while, I was okay with this but I have OCD and when it comes to certain things, I do have impulsive tendencies and I can obsess about certain things too. This includes both my interest in WAM and my interest in cross-dressing and my impulsive buying of various adult toys & items (I have quiet the collection now). It's not ideal for me to hide these things but I mostly do out of shame; though she's aware I have these tendencies, I haven't been forthcoming with acting on my tendencies.

For a while after her blow-up, I had obsessive thoughts about getting implants, especially with billboards advertising such things (mostly for women obviously) in her neighborhood. Eventually these thoughts subsided but my interest in cross-dressing still remains. My girlfriend also knows about my love for WAM and about how my interest in messiness started out as being non-sexual but evolved into being a sexual turn on over the years. She doesn't know that I've had some self-WAM sessions, mostly involving shaving cream after shaving when I've been in the shower.

I'm really just airing out everything that has kind of been pent up and broadcasting this in blog form because of my anonymity within the WAM community. Only a few people know me personally and have even met me and thus it helps me to leave it all out for others to read and maybe even comment on.

My gf has a very controlling personality. If there is something she expects of me, she demands I do it and not only won't take no for an answer, she won't stop pursuing an agreement from me until I do. It is suffocating at times. But after being with someone so long, and fighting to keep her around so hard (there's been times where she's wanted to walk away but I've begged & pleaded her back to my side), you can get tunnel vision in regards to if the relationship is toxic and how toxic it actually is. I'm not saying it is toxic, there are many things about my relationship with her; forcing me to give up my addictions to cigarettes, marijuana & alcohol, supporting me through my layoffs and getting me off my ass looking for a job when we first met all being among the largest... but I've found myself having doubts more often than past years and it hurts. We are god-parents to her two nieces, I've been involved with her family for almost a full decade; gotten close to her brothers & sister in laws on top of her nieces & nephews, not just her.

With all of this said, there are many issues I don't know how to resolve. She's spent so many nights yelling at me for bringing up old topics I over talked about telling me about how she "doesn't care" about one topic or another where I can't come up with any topics to talk about with her anymore. She doesn't want kids, never has and I accepted that years ago, but I've reached that age where I'm now stuck wondering "what if". I always wanted kids growing up and after having an ex-girlfriend supposedly miscarry with what would've been my kid and having 3 goddaughters now, it half makes me wish I had kids of my own. The other half thinks I'm better off so that they won't have to live with the burden of my secrets nor my mental issues (and I do have a few).

The recent changes to my life, the current impulsive needs and wants I've been especially dealing with today are more complicated than any others that came before... I've had a few times where I was involved with multiple partners together at one time but they all were males, never did I have anything like that with a female. Lately, I've been having the want to experience a bukkake, as a sissy, but with a female or two involved as well. I say one or two because strap-ons and other things would be involved as well (I restrain myself to be professional about this post); but I'm committed to my long-time significant other so I don't want to act upon these impulses. I've resolved to limit it only to my toys (Doc Johnson Bust-It & Squirt-It are amazing products; also got to love the Pie-Face games, am I right? Pie-Face Cannon is pretty great especially) and though it's been able to sustain my impulses for now, it's been less than satisfying and unfulfilling. I also recently found out that there is a place in Chicago that not only does BDSM & Femdom but also does Splosh Play as well (www.ChicagoIllusions.com for those who are curious) and now the impulse to find out more regarding sessions has been plaguing me to the point where I contacted them today! It doesn't hurt to inquire and they do couples sessions but if I go forward with trying something like this & hiding it like I have with purchases and spending money on myself, I don't know how I could continue to stay with her after such a betrayal.

One other thing about it is, I miss having a messy session with other people; which I have had both sexual & non-sexual versions of both. But because my significant other knows that I am aroused at most by such things, she doesn't like me playing with others; and she doesn't like messy play because she sees it as "a waste of good food".

Never in my life have I been pulled in so many different directions. And when we first started going out, I was at a point where I was considering getting into music and traveling but decided to roll the dice on my girlfriend to see if we had something worth pursuing... and it has been so far, no doubt in my mind about it. I just worry that I've been settling for the past 9 years and it may not even be something that lasts if she doesn't want it to anymore because of my own bullshit.

Any comments or input would be appreciated. Also, if I had non-sexual messy sessions without her knowing with others who knew it was a turn on for me, do you think it would be considered cheating? (j/k, I still would feel guilty about it and I think that she would view it that way regardless. She literally took my PS4 controller from my house because I was spending time talking to people while playing Fortnite & other games during the day but unable to talk to her on the phone & refuses to give it back until I can start having conversations with her and start working on "fixing" us because I don't care about her enough. I care enough to turn to a community I trust asking for advice about her & our relationship; hell I'd turn to my PSN friends and my very few Twitch followers too for help if I had a controller right now; wait, I did impulsively & secretly buy another one off Amazon w/1 day shipping... *sigh* shit, I need serious help)

Thanks for barring with me and listening. Love you guys!
-Screechgod