Angus McNitt once told me about the time he'd been on a TV show. He was making a sales trip through the West Coast for his company, Fleer's Fluffy Pies and Creamy Cakes, and in LA he met another guy for a good long gunge session.. The guy was a currently out of work actor, and he mentioned that he'd heard about a casting call for a game show, one of those shows where poor slob contestants wound up getting lots of pies in their faces. The casting call was for a stooge, not a contestant, a guy who'd be in the show's stunts along with the contestant. They preferred a "big guy", and Angus was certainly one of them, 6'2 and 300 pounds.

What the hell? thought Angus, so he went over to the TV studio. There were only 2 other guys waiting, and they were definitely not "big guys". They were skinny little twinkies named Terry and Rusty, but after talking to them for a few minutes he realized they were just as avid gungers as he was. They told him about the show, called Treasure Hunt. Contestants had to endure several physical slapstick challenges, and after they'd passed each one they would earn the chance to win a prize, by picking out a treasure chest within a display of 50 chests. The prize wasn't always something consumer-desirable, like a car or a refrigerator--it could also be something stupid, like a stuffed duck with a box of crackers in its mouth (quacker crackers--get it?), or it could even be a pie in the face, (which paid the contestant an extra $100.) Terry and Rusty were really nice guys, so nice that they all agreed to get together for a session while Angus was in town. Ultimately, Angus got the job, being the only guy of any substantial size among the auditioners. And the job paid pretty nicely--$500.

He was told he was going to be in an Old West saloon setting. He was going to be playing cards with contestant number one. There were 5 piles of 5 cards each on the table. The contestant would be picking one of the 5 piles and then Angus would say, (or bellow out, as the producer wanted), "I say you got 5 aces in that hand!" The contestant would turn over the cards, and if there were really were 5 aces, he'd get a pie in his face and also have to leave. But if there were only 4 aces in a hand, then--Angus knew immediately: he'd get the gunge.

So the show started and Angus waited at the gambling table behind the curtain. They had dressed him in an outlandish cowboy costume with a colorful scarf like John Wayne, a 10-gallon hat, and, thank goodness, a loose-fitting pair of jeans that would hide any erection. He was rather surprised when Terry and Rusty appeared, also dressed in western garb, and each one was carrying a prop large mallet. Hmm, thought Angus, that's weird--where are the pies? :"Well, what are you guys doing here?" he asked. "They wanted us in the skit anyway--" one of them started to say, but then all of a sudden the curtain flew open.

Meanwhile, out on the stage a Mr. Michael K. Johnson, from Grand Rapids MI, had been introduced and subjected to a few minutes of Borsch-belt humor from the show's "star", an obnoxious rising comic named Jerry Mason. Mason was blabbing a mile a minute as he approached the table with Mr. Johnson, also dressed in a silly cowboy outfit. Mr.Johnson picked out one of the piles of cards, oversized so the TV cameras could see them, and then Angus did as he had been instructed--bellowing out the line, "I say you got 5 aces there!" Mr. Johnson started turning them over one by one. The first four were all aces, but just before he touched the last one, Jerry Mason said, "Wait a minute--something's missing! Where are the PIES?" A murmur of anticipation arose from the audience, a large collective "oooh", and suddenly a stage hand appeared from the wings laboriously pushing a large cart loaded down with custard pies. (That's really all they were, just paper plates with a big glob of pudding on them.) The cart was pushed into place between Angus and Mr. Johnson just as Mr. Johnson turned over the last card--a ten! Whoa, thought Angus, now I'm gonna get a pie.

But he didn't get a pie--instead, the two twinks each pointed their giant prop mallets at him and pressed a little button in the shaft. Angus could see a hole in the middle of each mallet, and suddenly, like in slow motion, something started to pop out of the holes, something white and gooey---whipped cream!! He felt the cream splattering him in the face, saw it squirting all over the vest of his costume, felt it hitting his 10-gallon hat. And then, before he had a chance to wipe his eyes, he heard Jerry Mason through all the cream saying, "Go ahead, Mr. Johnson, take one of those custard pies and let him have it!!" Angus felt a large circle of goosh hitting him in the face--SPLAT!--the pie tin rolling off on impact, hearing the audience screaming and roaring. As he slowly wiped his eyes and face clean, he could feel big globs of custard and whipped cream falling onto his capacious belly, so he rubbed it in, whereupon the audience screamed even louder. They broke for a commercial.

Angus looked over at Terry and Rusty, who were looking at him and laughing--as soon as the director yelled. "we're out", he took handfuls of slop and playfully threw them at each one, hitting Terry right in the kisser. "Oh so you want to play rough do you?" Terry joked, reaching for a pie and slamming it in Angus's face. Angus was just about to retaliate when Jerry Mason and Mr. Johnson from Grand Rapids MI returned. "Haven't they cleaned you off yet?" asked Jerry Mason, to the audience's delight. Mr. Johnson again chose a pile of cards, and Angus got to bellow out his line again: "I say you got 5 aces!", and once again the first 4 cards were aces. As the audience waited breathlessly, the fifth card turned out to be....a deuce!. There was nothing for Angus to do--he manfully faced the twinks and they let go with another barrage each of whipped cream. This time he was able to clean his eyes long enough to see Mr. Johnson pick up the custard pie and throw it at him. But it didn't hit him squarely on the face, it was a little too high, knocking off his 10-gallon hat. "Oh dear Mr. Johnson," said Jerry Mason, you better give him another one." This time Mr. Johnson got him, dead on. Angus could feel a stirring in his crotch as he grabbed the pie plate and pushed it onto the top of his head. It was just like a self-gunging, and fortunately his ridiculous costume hid his boner. The audience was going wild.

As soon as the curtain closed on them, Angus was able to beat out Terrry and Rusty to the pie cart. He was able to moosh a custard pie in each of their faces, but then a producer ran out and quickly got Angus's hat back on, admonishing all the guys to "save the pies for the stunt please." They could hear Jerry Mason out front taunting Mr. Johnson, who had just selected a treasure chest with a pie in it--they heard the audience roar and saw Mr. Johnson get pied on a monitor, but at least he got $100. (He had won a Mixmaster after his first challenge, so at least he hadn't lost all of his dignity--yet.)

The curtain opened again and Mr. Johnson selected his third pile of cards. So now he was facing Angus the third time and each of them had pie on their faces. And the outcome was the same again--4 aces and a jack, so Angus got another face full of whipped cream and a pie from Mr. Johnson, keeping his penis nice and stiff. But then Jerry Mason said, "Wait a minute--you call that throwing a pie? Look at this guy Mr. Johnson, he's a Big Guy, a big strapping fellow, he's got a big gut--go on, give him another one, and this time give it a big twist, so that he really GETS IT." And now Angus really felt the erection as Mr. Johnson approached with the big gooey pie. As the pie hit him, Mr. Johnson rotated it around his face, slowly at first, then hard, pushing the pie tin up onto the top of Angus' head. The audience was going crazy!!--and so was Angus!! And it was followed by the two twinks, each of them grabbing a pie and smearing them in Angus' face too, Rusty "accidentally" getting his hand into Angus' crotch. When they went to commercial this time, and the curtain had closed, the twinks both attacked Angus, fondling his crotch and slathering pie all over him. He was enjoying himself immensely.

So by the fourth time Jerry Mason and Mr. Johnson returned, poor Mr. Johnson had found not one but three pies in his last treasure chest pick--wow, Angus reflected, I'm doing really well--five hundred for this gig, a great gunging, and two new pie pals This time Jerry Mason put on an air of fake sympathy, saying, "You know folks, isn't it awful the way we've treated this Big Guy? There's only two piles of cards left, so one of them has 5 aces. Let's let Mr. Johnson sit in the other chair--here, you sit over here." And Angus got to his feet, a tidal wave of whipped cream and custard falling off his costume, so much that he slipped on the floor and fell on his ass, to the audience's huge delight. This time it was Mr. Johnson who bellowed out, "I say you got 5 aces!" And Angus was the one who got to turn over the cards. The first four were all aces of course, but what would the 5th be? As the audience held its collective breath, Angus turned over the last card, and it was...an ACE! That's when he really got it- the two twinks were heaving the custard pies at Angus: splat, Splat! SPLAT!! and Mr. Johnson grabbed both of the mallets to squirt the cream on him. Even Jerry Mason joined in, careful not to muss his cheap tuxedo, but deadly accurate with the custard pies. Was Angus going to mention that his dick was hard as a rock? Was he about to shoot the biggest load of his life?

As the show ended, Terry and Rusty went right on clobbering him with the pies till they were all gone. Right after a camera dollied up to Angus, shooting his face for the final shot of the show, Rusty whispered in his ear to meet them in the dressing room that had been assigned to the three of them. It was impossible for him to stand up without revealing his tumescence to the audience, so he just sat there for a while as his penis subsided. The producer came over and told him his check was waiting in the dressing room. When Angus finally stood up, he wiped all the gunge off of his big manly gut and staggered to the dressing room, where Terry and Rusty were waiting for him--with another cart full of custard pies!! "This is the back-up cart of pies they were going to use," said Rusty smiling, locking the door, and the three of them went to town, Angus eventually erupting a great sploodge of semen, enough to frost a giant wedding cake. (Continued in Part 2.)