Autopieography

A catalog of personal humiliations, and fantasies thereof, recorded for further humiliations.

I don't know when the fetish developed. I remember at the age of 5, after a hard rain, I went outside in my new pants and sat in the runoff swale, getting them wet. My mother yelled at me for getting them dirty. To be clear, it was just rainwater.

Around the age of 8 or so, the TV series National Geographic World or Big Blue Marble on Saturday morning had a feature on the world's largest pie fight in the UK (which must be the one in Kent (https://www.kentonline.co.uk/maidstone/news/pie-eyed-teams-battle-it-out-126700/) no one ever mentions on UMD)

I had from that time forward fantasies of being the pie fight, tied back to back with a woman, both of us in the flimsiest of pajamas, throwing pies, we would turn around and one of us would be a thrower and target while the other reloaded.

When watching or anticipating a slapstick moment on TV, I would get a tingle in the nether regions.

At the age of 12, (just before puberty), on a hot summer evening, I stripped down, went to the kitchen, grabbed the ketchup and tomato sauce from the fridge, laid flat on the ground, and poured some over my face, to see what it felt like. The smell was terrible. Then I showered.

At 13 Masturbation arrived.

Teen events include, in no particular order:

Sitting naked (alone at home, mom was on a date) at night in the dining room in front of the sliding glass window, and pouring salad dressing over the head.

In my bedroom after school, (a room with two doors on the same wall) undressing and tying my ankles/legs up to room and closet doors spread eagle-ish, and applying ice cream sandwich to the nipples.

Taking a slice of pecan pie and applying it directly to the crotch.

Smashing Eggs in my underwear. I was asked about the eggshells in the underpants by my mom who grabbed the laundry. My lies were undoubtedly unconvincing.

Take a clothed shower. I left the Wet clothes on bathroom floor. Asked about the wet clothes by my mom who grabbed the laundry before I did.

Crack a raw egg into orange juice and pour it on my head. I saw this on Taxi once with Danny DeVito and a woman whose name escapes me.

At my dad's place, alone with our dog, applied whipped cream that had been taunting me in the fridge for years, (there was no whipped cream at my mom's house) onto a paper plate. Took the mess upstairs to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror and smashed it in my face -- the first real pie to the face. Dog licked up whipped cream drippings.

In college, took an egg, still in shell, and put into my butt-crack. The question of the day was: can I crack an egg with my gluteus, and what would that be like. (And of course, wouldn't it be embarrassing to be caught, which is true of all of these.) The answer was actually no. I cracked the egg on my head and showered off.

Buying small sponge cake shells and filling them with whipped cream and applying to my nipples.

After graduating and getting my own place and job, I would come home every evening and watching What Would You Do and hope for a stimulating scene.

But of course, I thought I was alone in this until, in late 1994 or so I read a brief snippet in Wired Magazine about John Waters talking about the strangest fetish of sploshing, putting SpaghettiOs down their pants, and mentioned the magazine Splosh, which was sold by Atomic Books in Baltimore. I had found my people, and I ordered it online and it was delivered by the ever reliable USPS. It did not disappoint.

Usenet was also a thing soon thereafter, and one could find stories and some photos online.

I also acquired a real girlfriend (to be clear, though I had dated a little bit, I was a virgin until 28). I told her about this. She was a LDR for most of the year, but we would have phone sex every night (long distance, which added up in those years as she was in Alaska, which had special high rates).

We would talk about fantasies, and I had acquired some creme pies that were defrosting in the kitchen for a planned exchange later.

On a visit back to the lower 48, she had brought some equipment with her (up from her parents home) as we were planning to move in. She had me install her stereo in my apartment. While I was wiring it, she snuck up from behind me and pied me. My world went white. I took off my glasses and could see her laughing at me, so I grabbed the other pie and boxed her in so she couldn't escape.

She surrendered and agreed to take it in the shower. The rebuttal was administered to her butt in the shower.

We had good sex after. But in the middle of the night I woke up with the hardest of hard ons. I just pounded her. It remains the best sex ever, and is defining for our relationship, which is built on a foundation of sex as much as anything.

After she moved in, she tried to get me with a sneak attack in the shower, but my arm reacted quickly and defeated her. Unfortunately and the sharp tin cut her foot as it fell to the floor. Don't try this at home. Also always remove the tins.

So the web was getting better, and I acquired some videos (actual tapes) from Messy Fun and SSS in the UK.

The UMD was established. I mostly lurked under the handle [redacted].

We would have sessions about once a year, because the cleanup was a buzzkill.

Other things we have done, pie sitting, naked of course. It goes everywhere strangely, and the smell of dairy is bad (not as bad as tomato sauce or ketchup, but bad).

On trips with hotels, I order hotel room service. I pour the breakfast syrup over head and ass.

We had a session planned for lunch one day, she came home from work and attacked me in the garage, thinking I was going to ambush her (which I wasn't, and didn't and wouldn't).

We had a session of Many (8) pies, acquired over several weeks on different grocery runs so as not to tip off the man: In turn a pie was applied to my crotch, face, I was pantsed, and then pushed down into a pie sitting on the chair. I was commanded to masturbate into a pie on the stone floor. That was fucking uncomfortable, although I know I deserved it. The session was photographed by my wife and posted to UMD. She got some mess, and did most of the cleanup.

I Killed the account for security reasons, in the aftermath of Ashley Madison as other hacks, I didn't like that my otherwise anonymous account was somehow linked to a credit card with my actual name. Due to my job, it would be a problem if this were public. Society is not ready for us. (And if society were ready for us, it would probably be a lot less erotic).

Sadly, I subsequently lost the photos and our personal porn collection to a hard drive crash. It was the only thing not backed up (so it could be deleted should the need arise), and remains the only data I have lost since the 1980s (though some has become corrupted due to proprietary formats, thanks Microsoft Works).

When the wife was out of town, I went to a dungeon. In part this was just to see what this was about. We had done light bondage at home, and she is more into it than me. It was normal low grade BDSM, tied up, light whipping, not especially arousing (nor painful) of itself it turns out (it's better on video), but I brought a pie and she dominated and tied me up on the ground and then toward the end of the session applied a pie in the face. She showed off the mess she made of me to other dominatrix who owned the place. That I deserved. She rubbed herself against me to get her body messy as well. I finished myself off in front of her.

A second session at another dungeon in another city, where I was working separately from her for a few months. I had a domination session where there was a lot of feet and ass licking primarily. In addition to my humiliatrix there were two other ladies in the place. They applied pies to my face, crotch and ass. They enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Then they forced me to masturbate in front of them outside on the patio.

The third and final session was with my wife and is the CFNM party shown in the photos here. I was stripped to panties (wearing my wifes). I was Wedgied. Pantsed. Stepped on. Forced Face down in pie. Pied in the dick with little pies. Forced to jerk off in front of them and wife. She stayed clean but flashed the other guests.

Our most recent is the outdoor session in our backyard in the city. I pantsed and pied her and she pantsed and pied me and we fucked outside on the chair cushions. Good, but fucking while messy isn't as good as it seems. Worth doing once, not necessarily to be repeated.