At midnight, or later, I walked out to the pool in the back of the house. It was summer, and hot in the suburbs of Los Angeles, as it always was in summer.

I was wrapped in a towel, and nothing else. When I got to the edge of the pool, my imagination took over. "Take off your towel", said my imaginary lover. And, incapable of resisting, I did, and stood naked at the edge of the August-warmed water. I stepped in, and swam naked for hours, every inch of my skin caressed and buffeted by the warm water. I'd submerge again and again, coming up with my hair plastered to my face.

This was before I got a short haircut.

Finally, when I was a giant prune, I'd get out of the pool.

The sensuality of swimming naked, or of walking around the house naked, but only when I had it to myself, was pure joy, and highly erotic. I'd take my late night swims, and retire to my bedroom and give myself an orgasm, fantasizing about my latest crush.

Or, weirdly enough, about getting a pie in the face.

My friend recommended some fabulous vibrator, so we went over to the sex shop on Ventura Blvd and I bought an expensive vibrator, and one little one for my wallet, and a blue plexiglass penis, a perfectly shaped dildo. It wasn't thrilling, it was disappointingly transactional.

But the day I bought the graham pie crust and the two tubs of cool whip? My heart was POUNDING!

I'd never been pied before, and OH how I wanted to try it.

I let the cool whip thaw, and did everything I could to take my mind off of it, the pies, the thrill of getting pied.

I'd had the house to myself, and so finally around 10 pm, I stuck my finger into the cool whip. Thawed! Cold, but thawed!

I scooped the whipped topping into the pie shells, and taking both pies to the large master bathroom (and trembling), I got out of my clothes. Standing nude in front of the mirrors, I imagined an entire skit.

"Oh, no, you wouldn't!", I imagined I'd say. And oh, yes, he would! And finally, I resigned myself to taking a pie in the face. I sighed, and said, "Oh, well."

And I pied myself. The cool whip was COLD! And it flew everywhere. I'd really nailed myself, and smashed it around and around my face. A pie in the face of cool, thick, sensual, soft coolwhip. Oh my god, it felt good! It fell all down my bare skin. COLD!! Shocking, but so much fun!

I looked at myself in the mirror, my face creamed with big dollops of topping falling down. Crust stuck here and there. It wasn't the best pie in the face ever, but it was my first, and I did get myself pretty darned well!

I was so turned on, I thought I'd bust. I smeared cool whip down my breasts, my belly, all over my neck, and of course all around my crotch. Cool, soft, and surprisingly slick. I was incredibly aroused, and watched myself as I masturbated, pied, in front of the bathroom mirrors. White, and dripping melting cool whip from face to vagina, I looked amazingly sexy.

I felt amazingly sexy. I had an orgasm in the bathroom, right there, fingering myself. I took a shower, and slipped into bed, and grabbed my good vibrator and had another orgasm, dreaming about being naked in a gooey pie fight, my lover and other naked and flinging pies, most of which were aimed at me.

I dreamed about taking a pie in the face, and then another, and then hands smearing pie down my body, between my legs, and a sensual mouth and gorgeous lips going down on me, having me for dessert - a human cream pie - until I couldn't take it anymore and lost my mind in a screaming soaking orgasm.

For years afterwards, I'd go buy a banana cream pie, or a chocolate cream pie, or a banana cream pie from the local supermarket bakery section. Sometimes they were amazing, and sometimes they just wouldn't stick. But every time, such a sexual thrill!

I discovered that shaving cream tastes awful but, in a bath, can feel amazing. I also discovered that it turns my skin into that of a sun-dried alligator.

That's about it. A humble beginning.