I nervously write this as I know of its potential to be used against me in the future in a judicial proceeding. But I have a responsibility to my friends and community to explain myself, my sudden disappearing act from the boards and chatrooms, etc.

Anyone who even knows me even a shredd knows that I am first and foremost a mother. My children are my life. They are the reason for everything I do. Yes, that seems initially strange to say. But modeling had always given me the resources to be a more active, involved parent; to stay at home with them, not farm them into daycare, care for them when sick, supervise homework, go to field trips, volunteer at school, and play mom taxi for their swimming and track and music lessons. In short, the ability to do WAM and other forms of modeling enabled me to be a good mom.

For personal reasons not entirely related to my parenting methods, my rights as a mother are being challenged. My ex feels i endanger my children for having performed modeling sets when the children were with him on his custodial weeks. I briefly had an attorney who agreed that unless I did everything my ex wanted i would forever lose my children. This means I cannot model in my own productions, use my home for sets or editing of content, and i had to destroy about 90% of my content that my ex and his lawyers deemed inappropriate for children. This caused my own personal cashflow to go to ZERO, immediately. I am desparately attempting to find civilian employment, and no one is hiring. My retainer is gone, and my lawyer announced I need 3K more in an additional fee to continue to retain her as counsel.

So, in essense, I lost my income, my home, my business in one fell swoop. I have enough money to get through June, and that's it. Seriously. I've been pounding the pavement and finding i'm either over or underqualified for most work I am appropriate for. Our state has one of the highest unemployment rates and rates of homelessness in the nation right now. So, basically, in two month's time, the ex will come back, and basically be able to modify custody merely by pointing out my newfound inabililty to support my family.

So if you don't see me on the board, or in chat, this is why. I am realizing that, without modeling, I am going to lose anyway. So if I decide to return to modeling, I do so knowing it could ultimately mean losing my kiddos forever. This is so heartbreaking, as I am a good parent, and a great mother! I adore my children and without them I am nothing.

If anyone wants information on how to help me in my situation, email me privately here on UMD. Thanks.

MG Wed

I am no legal expert and my opinion is probably meaningless, but I'm very surprised that your lawyer agreed that you had to stop modeling and give into the demands of your ex. As long as you aren't using your real name, and are just modeling on the internet then I do not see how that makes you a bad parent. Aren't there many parents out there who are full-time strippers? I would say its time to find a lawyer who fights for you and your rights to make a living and be a parent. Good luck with the mess and I hope that everything works out for you in the end.

--
Bill

Yes, Bill is very right. Perhaps you should consult with a lawyer who might have more expertise in these types of situations. Better lawyers would have you sit down together and hammer out agreements rather than this one side "Do This Or Else!" bullcrap!. How is this fair? Basically you have to give up everything and he doesn't have to change one thing?!

I would say DEFINITELY look into support and information from various sex-workers organizations online. You are not the first person to have such troubles, and they may be able to provide good information and resources.

Best of luck with this tragically ludicrous situation.

I am not a lawyer, but due to my work and past experience, I literally know dozens of lawyers, and one of my best friends is a lawyer.

An ex gf of mine is also being cornered by her ex in a similar way, and she can't afford the lawyer's fees either. But this lawyer was just going through the motions, not defending her (that means countering every single move made by her ex and his lawyer; if they accuse you, you accuse them; ALWAYS maintain parity in custody situations)...I advised her to get a new lawyer (just like the all posts previous to mine)...

...so many women allow themselves to be bullied this way (and sorry, if your lawyer is a female without kids of her own, she may be a liability to you)...find a lawyer who will fight for you, who will counter EVERY move made by your ex (in game theory, it's called the Rapaport strategy), who will provide a robust defense of why you must work as a model, etc...and, if he/she misses one step in this game (and it is a game--a serious one), FIRE THEM and demand a portion of the retainer back. In that regard, make sure you spell out what you expect for the retainer and other fees...make sure he/she tells you EXACTLY what you are getting for your money, what each service "costs" (or what each fee covers)...get a document/record of everything your lawyer does (or claims to)...

...be an informed legal consumer...Because they are stressed/anxious and put into "crisis mode", most people leave so much to their lawyers, assuming that they are always doing the best/right thing by them, when in fact, in custody/divorce cases, there is often subtle collusion going on between defense attorneys (this I know for a fact and it would astound lots of folks)....what to you is your very purpose for being--the secure custody of your most precious creations--is, to many lawyers, JUST A JOB...and they are gifted bullshitters too....

...so, yes, gets some legal advise (get second and third and fourth opinions), get savvy about your representation, and always remember that your lawyer works for you--you are the boss. good luck

 I concur with the previous feedback. I wonder what your attorney would have recommended had you made it clear from the start that paying legal bills might no longer be possible without modeling income. In any case, this seems like an outright case of malpractice to me.* If you were conducting erotica shoots or reviewing pornography while children were present, I could see how that might give your ex-husband legitimate grounds to question your fitness as a parent. It sounds instead like your children did not even know the particulars of your work, never mind being exposed directly to it. Maintaining such a clear division between family life and erotic modeling sounds to me like evidence that you took your parental responsibilities more seriously than most parents with 9-5 office jobs.

 Still, the past cannot be undone. As I see it, this leaves you with two courses of action. If your ex-husband could ever be susceptible to reason, it might be in your best interest to negotiate. If he is an active parent who cares deeply for his children, then it should be possible to persuade him that an amicable arrangement would be best for everyone involved, including the kids (though that might involve allowing him more time with them.) If he is a reluctant parent who would prefer a child-free lifestyle, then it should be possible to persuade him to stop demanding responsibilities that he does not actually want. Of course, if vitriol blocks the lines of communication; you may not have the opportunity to draw him into reasonable dialogue about what is ultimately best for the children.

 The second path involves what, in the world of politics, is known as "opposition research." Does he ever drink heavily or take recreational drugs around the children? Are there any medical or psychological issues that could impair his ability to meet their needs? Has he ever neglected them in order to lavish his attention on a new lover? Do any of his close friends or other frequent visitors to his home have a criminal history? Might his work interfere in any way with raising the children in an optimal environment? Regardless of the jurisdiction, courts the world over must evaluate parental fitness in relative terms. If he finds a way to sling mud at you, but you can respond by exposing greater troubles with his domestic situation; the judge might admonish both parties for squabbling, but ultimately he or she will favor the least objectionable biological parent.

 That second path can be tricky, because there are good reasons (both legal and developmental) not to turn children into little spies. They are the best source of incriminating information, but it looks bad and actually is bad to use them as tools against their own father. Do not ignore what they say spontaneously, but do your best to avoid fishing for incriminating information, and certainly do not task them with any sort of snooping on your behalf. Other methods (consulting with mutual friends, dealing with a private investigator, etc.) are less problematic. Of course, if he is squeaky clean and a much better parent than he was a husband, digging for dirt may be unwise.

 Ultimately, you may find the best results come from an adaptive blend of the carrot and the stick. Open with appeals to reason, then follow up in the gentlest and least provocative manner possible with verifiable details that undermine his claim of superior parental fitness. Also, what the children desire should be an important factor for the two of you, even if your particular jurisdiction is one of those that gives no weight to the desire of your children at their present age. As far as I know (though I never formally studied family law,) every U.S. jurisdiction explicitly places the best interests of the child as the prevailing concern in resolving custody disputes. However, some states bar consideration of children's wishes to avoid psychologically unhealthy manipulation, and some other states only consider those wishes for children above a specific age.

 I'm sure everyone here wishes you the best during this heartwrenching struggle. Given your economic situation, you may be able to find support, including free or low-cost legal counsel that couldn't be much worse than what you've already bought**, with a local women's advocacy group. If there was a significant degree of abuse on his part during the breakup, organizations that sponsor shelters for battered women will no doubt be quick to offer a sympathetic ear and point you in the right direction for further support. If you have any divorced friends, certainly it would be worthwhile to listen to their take on the matter. If you have no divorced friends, you might want to look into a divorcee's support group if only to get a range of perspectives and learn about better quality and/or lower cost legal options in your community.

Best Regards,
messydom


*I need to qualify that statement, because it is possible the attorney happens to know that the family court judge handling custody disputes in your case is a fanatical prude. If that were true or if there were some other extraordinary circumstance justifying the extraordinary measures you were advised to take, that advice might not actually be the product of woeful incompetence. Such a scenario is unlikely, but certainly possible.

**This statement I hedge on the chance that your ex-husband is especially wealthy. Another possible "extraordinary circumstance" that would make the advice you were given sensible is if the final financial settlement is likely to provide you and your children with ample material support. Ditching your own income may have been deemed necessary to avoid jeopardizing a lucrative alimony and child support package. If that is the case, it may be short-sighted to get back into erotic modeling just now. Otherwise, it does seem likely a professional to whom you paid good money responded by giving you horrible advice that inflicted direct, quantifiable, and substantial harm to your personal finances.

My ex remarried into money. His wife is very much into ruining me. What the children know of my profession they know because of her dispelling of rumors among the children's teachers and members of the church. Unfortunately, I have no money to fight with. Therein is the monumenal problem.

I just wanted to check in with everyone, and let them know I'm not dead, I appreciate everyone's support, and am grateful to you all.

Mad love!

MG Wed

I really hope that you can get through this. I am a mother of two and this also allows me to spend a lot more time with my children. I went back to work at a regular job when my son was 3 onths old and we did not bond for a good 2 years. Since doing this I have hed my daughter and been with her everyday.

I hope for your sake and your children that it all works out for the best. Just beleive in karma, what goes around comes around and the new wife has what's coming.

Also, you don't need money to fight, weak people use money as a weapon.

Jessie xxx
www.messy-jessie.co.uk

Your ex never had any complaint about you doing your modelling jobs before the divorce, did he? (He certainly didn't complain about your income, did he?!)

The law says all your modelling & fetish jobs are and were legal. Period. So there is no legal way THAT can be "used against" you.

I have no advice for you, but I offer my Tears! I have no Advice but I offer my Prayers, for you have not sinned! I have no Lawyers to give, but I offer you My Love and Support for you have done no wrong! I have only me love and encourgement and hope for Justice for you're situtation! Hold on and Fight the Good Fight with all that's within a good mom! Your'e a Good Mom and I stand Beside Ya in you're fight! You are a good woman, not one of ill repute, or questionable morals! I offer my soul for God to Examine, and I know He's on your side as God is on mine! You are Loved and remembered by all of us, for you are one of us and we are one with you! I will pray and believe that a postive outcome will appear and YOU HAVE TA BELIEVE IT TOO! No one will take your children from ya! listen to those who've offered and will continue too offer advice! I can only pray and will offer that in support, so don't GIVE UP!

You're Jedmess!

I agree that you need a different lawyer. Get on the phone and contact every lawyer you can find and tell them your situation.

Besides being way too interested in taking all your money, this lawyer apparently agrees with your ex that there is somehow something morally wrong with what you've done.

The morality or immorality of fetish modeling is a subjective judgment. People who would regard your work as immoral do so on emotional or religious grounds. One can't argue with a position that is purely emotional.

But the legality of fetish modeling is clear...it's perfectly legal (and I think I can be confident of that since I've seen your work posted here, and we haven't been shut down for carrying it).

However, it's much easier to effectively fight for a thing that one believes in, and therefore, you need a lawyer whose subjective concept of morality is in agreement with yours. It's hard to win much of anything if the lawyer, in her soul, believes that the other side is right. Her heart is obviously not in your case.

Seems to me that your side of this has quite a lot of good things going for it. This income enabled you to be a better mother. If you get a "moral" job, you might make less money, and for sure you'll be away from home during the work day, forcing you to put your children in day care...which you'll have to pay for...reducing your income even further...

Hey. What is so wonderful about that?

Your lawyer needs to believe that too, and be willing to passionately present your case in its very best light.

I sympathize about the job market. It sucks here too. There is an extendedly unemployed somebody who I'm helping with the online part of his job-hunt, and so I go through a lot of online job sites and want ads. Employers know they got people at a severe disadvantage and that there'll be a line of applicants for everything. So they post long lists of skills, educational degrees and even personality traits that I'm often not sure describes any real human...but they don't want to pay for any of it...the modern job board is truly disgusting reading.

Nessie

I'm really sorry to hear this. I don't know you personally, so can't say what kind of a mother you are (based on how well you have represented yourself in this community, I am prone to believe you), but if this is the only argument he can make, it is really disgusting. Additionally, if he can only make this argument, he must agree that you are a good mother, so has only his own interests in mind over the childrens'.

I really hope that you are able to get help. I do agree that you need a new lawyer - if the current one is saying you must do everything he says, then he/she is really defending your ex and not you. When you hire a lawyer, they work for you (so many of them forget this), and should not have even accepted the case if they don't agree with your position.

You're saying that some of the teachers know about this thanks to him? If that is the case, how do they feel about you? If you can present some people that are at least somewhat impartial, that do feel that you do not present any harm and are good for the children, it can probably go a long ways (not a legal expert by any means - but that is how it seems to me).

I can sympathize with the job situation. I have been looking for full-time work for two years now, and have a degree and skills that before the economy went south would have had people knocking down my door to hire me (and unfortunately makes me overqualified for almost everything that is out there now). However, the current situation may actually be in your favor if you return to modeling - you can easily argue that you are taking the only work that is available.

As Estragon suggested, I am sure that there must be organizations out there that can help you, but don't know who or what they are.

I'm not in a position myself to really be able to offer you any help more than my symphathy - but I do wish you the best of luck in this situation.

 I would advise most strongly against any stance resembling "what I do is legal therefore you cannot 'use it against me.'" Even in an ideal world, assessment of parental fitness may involve negative assessments of entirely legal activity. For example, there is a long tradition in family courts of regarding sexual promiscuity as a vice that degrades the quality of a child's environment even if said promiscuity never involves any sort of prostitution. Likewise, a judge who is not particularly prudish in the context of judicial norms may consider nudism, even that strictly confined to an indoor context, to be problematic in terms of parental fitness. Some of us may well wish those considerations were barred by black letter law or excluded by judicial custom, but they are not. Unless you were certain the presiding authority was an open-minded progressive free-thinker, the whole "what I do is perfectly legal, so stuff it!" argument would be self-defeating.

 On the financial concern, this becomes complicated in light of new information. If your ex-husband's present situation gives him access to a fortune in community property, it might be possible to seek a much more generous alimony and child support package. A reasonable lawyer would recognize that as a valid means to pay bills after the adjustments take effect, and would allow payment to be delayed appropriately. However, I suspect the standard in most states is that alimony and child support are meant to reflect economic conditions at the time the marriage was dissolved. The core principle is to preserve the family's standard of living in the absence of the primary breadwinner.

 If instead your jurisdiction allows upward adjustments beyond those meant to preserve that original standard of living, your attorney could be maneuvering in pursuit of such an adjustment. This is inconsistent with upfront billing, but it is consistent with the recommendation to cease modeling. If the ongoing dispute is purely a question of custody, then it continues to look like you were given terrible advice. If modification of financial arrangements is part of the dispute, then your lawyer is essentially guiding you to wager short term hardship against long term gains. Ultimately that is a personal decision as only you know how much of that hardship can be tolerated in pursuit of such a modification.

 Again though, the advice you've been given only leads to a viable position if there is to be a major increase in alimony and child support. If you presently receive none of that, but your husband did work when you were together, then upward modification is entirely likely. If you already do receive some income from him, then it is crucial to determine if family court rules applicable to your case permit alimony and child support orders significantly in excess of levels that reflect the standard of living you and your children experienced prior to the divorce. Even where the rules permit such a thing, it sounds like an uphill battle to me. However, I don't want to second guess an attorney who (hopefully) knows all the rules of the applicable venue as well as all the details of your specific case.

Best Regards,
messydom

I’m very sympathetic to your situation. I do not think that you’re a bad mother because of what you choose to enjoy doing when your children are not there, and I sincerely doubt you’ve exposed your children to anything unsuitable.

Unfortunately, I cannot give you legal advice.

Perhaps NCSFreedom could point you in the right direction but I don’t know of many other groups in the US (as I’m not in the US).

I personally do not think your former counsel was worth a single cent you paid him. You really, really need to find a kink-friendly family solicitor qualified in your jurisdiction, or possibly even go without.

I wish you the very best of luck.

If I understand that right, in short words it means, "If you want me to give up my income, Ex, and start totally over, you need to pay me what it takes to cover this."

I like that. It's logical. The very idea could him back off too.

I wish I'd have thought of it.

What burns me about your story is that I really don't like the fact that he's trying to force you to change careers, because in this economy, you really and truly might not be able to to that. Then he tries to take the kids based on a situation (your lack of income) that he created, his very own self.

That is just plain rotten.

Nessie

Wednesday,

It sounds like your lawyer is trying to milk this thing out. I believe that your layer is putting her pocketbook ahead of your legal interest and is misrepresenting you. Your lawyer sounds too cozy with your ex's lawyers. Time to get a better, and aggressive lawyer.

I witnessed the same thing when the owner of the company went through his divorce. The lawyer he had wasn't effective in ending the proceedings and it just kept dragging out. Finally, the owner brought in a really sharp cookie who knew how to argue and put an end to it all.

Find out if your county has a bar association and contact them about it. Tell them your lawyer may not be working to represent your legal interests, and you wish to pursue a complaint with the state bar association.

It is sad to say that children have become pawns for the divorce lawyers. The statement "it is in the children's best interest..." is bullshit. Nine out of 10 lawyers are venomous snakes that just need to be shot.

I pray that you persevere and hope that everything works out.

Wednesday,

I'm a little confused...it sounds like you were told that you had to stop making your living by two lawyers, your ex's & yours, who appears to have been representing your ex and not you, like she was hired to do. I apologize if I've interpreted that incorrectly. Did you receive an order from a judge, who is really the only one with the authority to issue such an order?

I'm not an attorney & not knowing the details I would still have to say that until given an order from a JUDGE in a court of law, stating that I was required to look for another means of supporting myself & my children, I would refuse to give up my job. Until such time, I would continue working & socking away as much as possible to defend myself. And if you do ever receive such an order from a court, turn right around and ask for your child support payments to be adjusted accordingly.

If your ex has issues with your parenting, the onus is on him to prove it. He has to prove that your line of work interferes with your ability to be a good parent; so, make him prove it. Don't make it so easy for him by giving up your work. Did he have a problem with it when you were married? Hmm, I bet not. In the meantime, petition for an increase in child support payments and/or alimony. Have dirt on him? Dig it up. Might make him reconsider.

BTW, most courts are extremely reluctant to deprive people of their livelihoods as it usually serves little purpose & only creates more legal challenges later.

I don't know where you're located, but if you're near a university with a law school, it wouldn't hurt to contact them and discuss the particulars of your situation with them. You might get some really good representation at little to no cost.

I wish you the best & I am sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time.

Best,
Mrs. Bigshipper

OMG!!! Wasn't your husband a partner with you in this business for awhile in that he participated in several films with you? If that's true, there's a doctrine in the law called "clean hands" where you can't claim to be injured where you benefited from the activity being challenged. One problem is that somewhere I recall you live in Louisiana. I may be wrong with that, and I hope I am, but if I'm right, I know that's the weirdest state in the country because it retained much of France's legal structure and rules.

I soooo hate when I see a sister go through this. (Thank god I don't have children, although I can't imagine hubby treating me this way.) It's just not right. Isn't the goal of our system justice?

If there's anything we can do, just let us know.

Leah asked us to buy your videos to help your legal defense fund, and I will go there right after this and make several purchases.

If we can be of any other help, please let us know. Best of luck. There's no reason to keep children from a mother who is obviously as loving and caring as you!

Taking the LSAT a couple of times doesn't make me a lawyer or even qualify me to play one on TV, so take my opinion for what it is worth... just an opinion.

That said...

I grew up around enough money to have an appreciation for how some of those games are played. And so yeah, you DO have some problems from the deep pockets of your Ex's new wife. However, you may also have some advantages as well, IF you play it right.

Your present lawyer, from the sound of things, is not fit to give rabies shots to ugly cats. Fire her. You have no room for stupidfuckery in this situation, and it sure sounds like your lawyer is more interested in playing the Big Picture view of all this. The billable hours on your case pale in comparison to the possibility of her ingratiating herself to the new wifey's family. So unless you get off on having more bus tire tracks on your back than an Obama appointee, you really should change lawyers NOW. Cut her ability to harm you to advance herself, and find new counsel. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting at least two lawyers in the back of the head in most major cities, and rest assured that the economy is bad enough that there are going to be some of them who would accept your case. Law schools might be worth looking into; another idea (although one I personally despise for many of their stances) might be the ACLU?

But in the meantime, back to hubby's new family. Depending on just HOW wealthy we're talking about, it *might* be in their interests NOT to have their beloved daughter's new spouse causing "issues" in a public manner. You would have to tread lightly, of course, but depending on where her family's money comes from, they might see fit to tell the new son-in-law to back off IF the situation were seen to be becoming uncomfortable to their public or business image. Or, they might also have you wacked. Again; it depends on WHERE and WHO we are talking about. Although I *do* understand the reasons for doing so, that's the one problem with keeping the modeling life out of the personal life and vice-versa in such cases; it DOES make it hard to offer worthwhile advice even if the intention is good.

I guess it really all comes down to leverage. Who has it, and who knows best how to utilize it to their advantage. But do try to keep some perspective in mind- your kids are going to have a father as well as a mother regardless of how all this pans out, and what you do for a living in the long run is going to matter far less to them than how you and your ex manage to act towards them- and to a point, each other- in all this. Don't lose the war, just to try and win every battle on principle. And try to get your ex to see this from that point of view as well, if at all possible. Make sure that they know that all this mess you are going through with their dad and his new wife is NOT a reflection on them in your eyes, and that they are more to you than "winning" with your ex. I have no doubt that you know this and are a loving mother, but I also had too many friends growing up from broken homes who would LOVE to have had some core of stability in their lives even if the rest of it was still unsure.

You've certainly had your share of troubles lately, MG. I really do hope that you find a path in life that brings you some happiness and peace to settle all this, and keeps you with the MOST important part of your life- your family. To steal a line from one of my favorite authors, "You don't have to fight to live as you wish. Live as you wish, and pay whatever price is required." R.Bach

Good luck with it. We're all wishing you the best here.

Jay

Wednesday,

I am saddened to hear you are in this situation as it sounds as if your ex is being vindictive and his new wife/sig other has the resources to stick it to you.

I will message you privately about helping out, however if i may impart some advice. I fear there may be some well intentioned but bad advice being thrown at you here regarding your lawer being sub par or putting up a better argument or fight...and although being a person who loves wam and various other fetishes, I think you are making the right decision.

i find that as much as i love all this stuff, there is much more to life than wam, fetishes among other things. In my humble opinion, there are so many things of higher importance and children are at the top of that scale......although the fetish scene is a part of my life, it doesn't define me, and I sense it does not define you either. Many people in the scene would urge you to fight this, as what your doing is by no means illegal, and your attorney is giving in etc.......

Bottom line is this, If you fight, you risk losing your children.....children i know you would die for......

Although laws are based on what is legal vs illegal.......Judges and jury's would rule against you in your situation more often than not....I wish what I was saying was wrong....

There is too much to risk as I know you want to retain your children. I hope you succeed in this case!!! I admire and respect what you are doing to keep your children!!

respectfully,

ed